Dear Titania,

My son is 13, and we’re starting to explore social media (very, very slowly). He’s quiet, shy, and definitely not a kid I’ll need to worry about a lot of things with — he mainly plays computer games and hangs out with his friends at home. I know Snapchat is notorious for sending nudes and explicit images, but that seems less of a concern right now for us. Am I missing something else? Is Snapchat more dangerous than I’m suspecting?

Signed,

Suspicious of Snapchat But Not Certain

Dear Suspicious of Snapchat But Not Certain,

Oh Snapchat, Snapchat…how I strongly dislike you! Let me count the ways — in fact, I have 6 additional reasons I’ll get to in a bit. But first, let me say: I hear you. Boy, do I hear you. 

As a parent, I know firsthand the siren pull of Snapchat. Teens have been using it for coming up on 14 years now, and I have hoped against hope that the fervor for it would die down a bit. Unfortunately, it hasn’t. To keep teens hooked on the platform, Snapchat has relied on a combination of social inertia and an ever-expanding array of new features they roll out every year. But before we get into those, let’s take a quick detour in NMK syndrome, or “not my kid syndrome.”

Good Kids Can Make Poor Choices

"Not my kid syndrome" refers to a mindset where parents think their kid is immune to risks or behaviors because they trust them. It’s especially dangerous when it comes to online threats, as it means that parents believe their child won't engage in risky behavior or encounter dangers on platforms like Snapchat because they're responsible or savvy enough to avoid them. The truth is, you never really know. Peer pressure, curiosity, and even accidents can happen at any time. It’s not a reflection of the kid, but more just the world we live in. And even if your kid actually IS perfect, other people in the world definitely aren’t. And that’s reason enough to be very, very wary of Snapchat.

Let’s Talk the Top 6 Dangers Besides Nudes

1. Snap Map

With the Snap Map, your child can share their Snapchat stories publicly and see those of complete strangers on a real-time map, which is maybe the biggest red flag, in my opinion. They can also broadcast their real-time location to anyone they are connected to on this platform, but keep in mind that not every “friend” is one they know in real life — it’s incredibly common for kids to add “mutuals,” which are friends of friends. Sometimes, it’s an actual kid, but it could also be a complete stranger. 

2. Drugs and drug dealers

This is one that many parents don’t know about, but it’s extremely concerning. There are documented cases of known drug dealers reaching out to kids on Snapchat and delivering drugs as quickly and easily as a pizza. Recently, one particularly tragic case resulted in the death of Sammy Chapman, as the drugs were laced with fentanyl. The Drug Enforcement Agency has even issued a report on what a growing threat drug dealing is on the platform is. It's a terrifying reality that shows how important it is to be vigilant about what our kids are doing online.

3. Nonstop friend drama and FOMO

Bullying is unfortunately pretty widespread on Snapchat, and the Snap Map just adds to the stress. Imagine seeing your friends all hanging out together on that map, having a blast, and you're sitting at home, feeling left out. It's like FOMO on steroids! And let's face it, that fear of missing out can really mess with a kid's head. It's not just about feeling excluded — it's about feeling like you're not good enough or that you're somehow less popular or important. And that can take a toll on a child's mental and emotional well-being.

4. My AI

Did you know there’s a new chatbot that Snap rolled out to our kids without telling parents (or giving them the ability to turn it off)? Yep! It’s called My AI, and it can lead them astray quickly. While Snapchat promotes the feature by suggesting to ask about fun things like finding dinner recipes and planning hiking trips, kids may use MyAI for different reasons. A tech columnist at the Washington Post experimented with the chatbot and found that he could get it to discuss:

• Ways to lose one’s virginity
• Types of alcohol
• How to cover the smell of alcohol

5. Inappropriate content

Apart from the risky business of sending and receiving nudes, there's a whole other world of content on Snapchat that's not exactly kid-friendly. Snapchat itself is home to loads of stuff that is wildly inappropriate. The Discover page leads users down rabbit holes of adult content, and integrations with entities like HBO let kids watch shows that definitely aren’t rated G. It's like giving your kid a remote control and hoping they'll only land on the Disney Channel. A few years ago, HBO was even streaming episodes of Euphoria, a show that’s about teens but is definitely not for teens.

6. My Eyes Only

There’s literally a vault app built into Snapchat. What’s a vault app, you ask? It’s a place where  kids can store photos, files, and sometimes even other apps locked behind a passcode. So even if you knew your child’s Snapchat password, unless you also know their My Eyes Only passcode, there’d still be things you couldn’t see. I’m not saying that every kid would be hiding something, of course, but the fact that Snapchat encourages this level of secrecy is definitely one of many red flags.

How Bark Can Help

Snapchat, surprise surprise, doesn’t work with parents to make monitoring children’s accounts easy, and their built-in parental controls are a joke — kids can literally turn them off at any point, so really, what’s the point?

But Bark can definitely help families keep their kids safer on the app. On Androids and our Bark Phone, Bark can monitor text chats, My AI chats, and searches. The app doesn’t let anybody monitor photos, unfortunately. But photos are rarely sent in a vacuum, so getting alerts for the surrounding message is even more important. 

On top of monitoring for dangers, Bark can also help in extra ways. For example, you can choose to block Snapchat entirely, or only allow it a few minutes a day (like in the living room, supervised) if you choose to go that route. 

We can also let you know if your child opens a Snapchat account with their personal email — even if they do it on a friend’s phone when they’re at a sleepover. Now that’s peace of mind. 

I hope all of this information helps you decide to push off the Snapchat discussion for a few more years. Your son will be fine without it, I promise.

Good luck!

Dear Titania,

My 14-year-old doesn’t have any social media (we want to wait as long as possible), but it seems like school clubs, extracurricular activities, and sports all increasingly rely on social media apps for announcements. What should I do? I want to protect him from the toxic effects of comparison, the threat of predators, and the just general time suck of social media, but it’s getting harder. 

Signed, 

Inching Towards Instagram

Dear Inching Towards Instagram,

Welcome to one of the defining parental decisions of the modern age! Allowing your child access to social media is a huge decision, and it can have lasting effects on a child’s well-being — negatively as well as positively. And the scary part is, it’s impossible to tell beforehand how your child will react if you give them full access. That’s why a slow roll-out is absolutely ideal, and yes, it’s possible to do. 

But it can be complicated. Every kid is different, and every family has different values when it comes to online activity. Some families prohibit all social media until a child turns 18, while others allow full access as soon as a child can hold a phone. 

The best answer, as in most cases, lies somewhere in the middle. 10-year-olds definitely don’t belong on Instagram, but a 17-year-old who’s never had any social media may not be prepared for all of its dangers once they finally leave the house or head to college. 

Today, kids that don’t have social media can often feel left out, as so much communication happens on these platforms. That doesn’t mean kids should have unfettered access, of course, but it’s something to keep in mind in terms of social development.

Tech Isn’t Good or Bad, It’s a Tool

This is where one of your duties as as a parent comes in — to help shepherd, guide, teach (there are so many good verbs for this) your child about technology and social media. A hammer can be super dangerous if you don’t know how to use it or understand how to ask for help if something goes wrong. The same goes for social media. 

You mentioned how your child’s school uses apps for communication, and this is a perfect example of social media’s dual nature. The best way to reach kids is to contact them in a place where they all are, and where they just happen to be is online more and more. (One place I draw the line is an official school group supervised by an adult deciding to use Snapchat — there’s no reason that a disappearing message app should be a go-to communication vessel). 

Kids need to be able to chat with teammates and coaches. It’d be so, so hard for a child to thrive in these settings without the ability to contact everyone on the group’s chosen platform.

Remember, delaying as long as possible is still best

Our friends over at Protect Young Eyes always say “Delay is the way,” and we agree. We’ve never heard a parent say they wish they would have allowed social media SOONER. Not once. Please don’t let your child download or access a social media platform that YOU as the parent/caregiver have not yet spent time on. 

Social media can allow for connection, creativity, curation, education, and inspiration, but it can (and frequently does) expose children to issues like cyberbullying, violent content, sexually explicit content, predators, disordered eating, misinformation, suicidal ideation, and more. Please choose (and use) your platforms wisely.

It’s Getting Harder to Tell the Difference Between Social Media and Just Being Online

I can totally understand wanting to hold off on apps like the just-mentioned and notorious Snapchat, but it’s getting more and more difficult to draw a line in the sand. You could say no to Instagram and TikTok, but what about group chat apps like GroupMe or WhatsApp? And even if you’re anti-social media, nearly every app has some sort of messaging feature — from YouTube to even FitBit apps. 

Social Media Is a Part of Our Lives, Eventually

My generation was well into adulthood before we were handed the keys to social media, but that was the last time that’s ever going to happen. Kids will be exposed to it from childhood going forward, both as they start experimenting with it but also as they watch their parents day in and day out using social media, too. You have a chance to help teach them healthy habits in a supervised way, and that’s important.

Steps for Getting Started

Working together with your child as you embark on their social media journey is the best way to ensure everyone’s on the same page. It will be scary! It will be stressful! It will be frustrating! But ultimately, you’re doing them a great service by allowing them to learn and grow. Here are a few tips for how to get started when and if you decide to start.

First, talk about what apps are on the table

I mentioned no Snapchat earlier, and I’m going to stick with that one. But what you and your kid decide together is totally up to you! Lay down your yeses, nos, and maybes. Talk about the dangers of each and your concerns, but also let your child have their say, too. If they mention apps you’ve never heard of, definitely consult our bank of app reviews — we’ve done all the research for parents and are constantly adding new ones.

Come up with ground rules

Once you’ve decided on an app to get started with, next discuss how it’s going to work. You could decide, for example, that the app will live on your phone, but your kid can use it in the living room, after dinner, for 30 minutes. This will allow you to supervise them while they’re using it and also limit how much they use it. You may want to check out our tech contact as a starting point — it’s more about general tech use, but you could crib parts from it to create your own!

At first, there’s going to be complete transparency

As a next step, you could allow your child to download the app on their own phone, while you keep the app on your phone (logged in). This way, you can always open it up and see what your child is up to and who they’ve been messaging. Some folks may think this is a violation of privacy, but it’s about safety as your child learns to navigate social media. 

Talk, talk, and keep talking

Honestly, the glue that holds families together is constant communication, and talking about social media is a conversation that needs to happen all the time. Ask questions, bring up news stories, share your own experience with social media — the more you talk, the more your child will feel comfortable coming to you when they feel worried, scared, or are in trouble. 

I also recommend sitting down with your kid and watching Childhood 2.0, a free documentary that features real-life teens, parents, and psychology experts. It shows what kids are actually facing online, like the pressure to send nudes, the bullying on social media, and so much more. 

Monitoring Is Essential As You Start

Remember when your kid was learning to ride a bike? You didn’t push them off on a Schwinn and wish them good luck. Of course not! You started with a toddler bike (the kind with no pedals), then moved on to a bigger bike with training wheels, and then finally, a big kid bike (but with your hand firmly on the seat as you gave them a push down the driveway). 

With tech and social media, it should be the same way, and that’s exactly what Bark does for parents. We allow you to completely customize your child’s online experience in a way that works for your family. You can start off by blocking all social media, then allow, for example, one app that you’re ready to take the plunge with. But you won’t be going it alone — Bark’s monitoring (whether with the Bark app or the Bark Phone) will scan your child’s online activities and alert you to anything that’s concerning. 

Our society is only about a generation into dealing with kids and social media, and Bark is the best partner you’ll have on this journey. Good luck!

Dear Titania,

The other evening, my husband and I were just absolutely exhausted after grueling days at work. We didn’t have the energy to arrange an activity or do something productive, so we let our 7-year-old daughter use her iPad until bedtime. I know this isn’t the best thing a parent can do, but I feel totally horrible. What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Am I the Worst Mom in Wyoming?

Dear Am I the Worst Mom in Wyoming,

First, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know you’re beating yourself up over a night of screens for your daughter, but everything will be okay — I promise. The fact that you even care about a slip in screen time judgment shows that you’re doing the right things and are involved in your child’s life in a positive way.

We’re bombarded constantly by talk of the dangers of screen time in the media and even from seemingly perfect fellow parents. But life isn’t always that simple, and raising kids is 100 times more challenging than most people expect it to be. 

You Are Definitely Not Alone

I talk to a lot of parents every week, and questions like yours are a common theme. We’re all just trying to do our best, and fortunately, we live in a time when parents have the ability to give their kids entertainment in a way that nearly every other family in history couldn’t. Sure, we’ve had televisions since the 1950s, but that’s about it — before the middle half of the last century, kids had toys and that was it. 

Even if you feel alone, know that you’re not. Some families don’t have the luxury of constantly providing their kids with non-digital entertainment and education. Think about the parents who are also taking care of ailing grandparents, working from home, or have mental or physical health issues that prevent full engagement. In these situations, letting a child use screens is welcome relief to making life a little bit easier when it’s already hard. 

All Screen Time Is Not Created Equal

When we were all growing up in the ‘80s and ‘90s, many of us watched a lot of TV — and very little of it was great. Sure, Sesame Street is fantastic for younger kids, but by the time I was in late elementary school, TV consisted mostly of sit-coms and trashy talk shows like Jerry Springer.

One good thing about today is that there is SO MUCH good content created for children of all ages. Pixar movies teach lessons about understanding emotions, and young adult shows help kids understand the world better. 

Also, apart from passive entertainment like movies and TV, screens also give kids the option to draw, paint, communicate with relatives, and play educational games. 

There are worse things you could do than hand your kid an iPad (as long as you have the appropriate filters and monitoring and screen time limits in place) — especially if they have an interest in anything creative. 

You Have to Take Time for You, Sometimes

In the whirlwind day-to-day of parenting, it's easy to forget yourself, and oftentimes people (incorrectly) think that you should completely lose yourself in the quest of raising perfect children.

But taking care of yourself is like filling up your gas tank — if you're running on empty, you can’t show up fully for your child. To use another metaphor, it’s like those videos on airplanes: you have to put your oxygen mask on before your child’s. 

It's okay to acknowledge when something needs to give and for you to take the time you need to recharge your own battery. Remember, not everyone's life is as picture-perfect as what we see on TikTok or Instagram. 

Embrace the reality of your own journey and all of its imperfections. Life isn't always about the highlight reel, it's about navigating the twists and turns with authenticity and resilience.

How You Can Stay on Top of Screen Time

Now that I’ve hopefully convinced you that occasional marathon screen time sessions are 100% okay, I have some ideas for how you can worry less just in general about screen time going forward.

Bark can help you not only create time schedules (though this is less of an issue for these one-off nights when all time limits are off), but it can give your daughter a digital safety net thanks to our monitoring tool. 

What does this have to do with screen time, you’re probably wondering? It means that when you give your child a tablet that has Bark connected to it, you can worry less that they’ll get into any danger. This is because Bark scans online activities for potential dangers and sends you alerts. You may be taking a breather in the living room, but Bark will be right there with your child as they watch, surf, and text. 

And I know that will help you feel a little bit better. In the meantime, try to celebrate small wins where you can. The days are long, but the years are short — and you’re doing the best you can. Give yourself some grace and don’t hesitate to connect with others in your same boat.

Dear Titania,

We’re an Apple family through and through, but I’ve been hearing about how iPhones are unsafe for young kids. I wanted to know exactly why — they have a built-in app called Screen Time, right? What do I need to know about iPhone safety before I think about getting my son one?

Signed,

Wondering and Wary of iPhones

Dear Wondering and Wary of iPhones,

Welcome to one of the defining feuds of our age! iPhones are wildly popular with both parents and kids alike, and Apple families usually have a whole ecosystem of iPads, AirPods, iPhones, watches, HomePods, and AppleTVs that populate their homes. 

I totally get it, as I’m an Apple person myself! But when it comes to phones for kids — especially first phones for children — iPhones just don’t make the grade. The interesting thing is that many parents think they do, but this is because Apple has done the absolute bare minimum with their Family Sharing and Screen Time apps. They’re stopgaps, not painstakingly thought-out programs that actually address all of the different needs that digital parents both need and deserve.

iPhones Are Built for Adults and Privacy, Not Growing Kids

One of the main things that Apple touts about itself is that the company is dedicated to privacy. That’s great for adults concerned with overreaching tech companies that sell personal data. However, it’s not so great for parents trying to protect their children online. These privacy restraints greatly affect the way iPhones work with third-party parental control apps. 

This means that parents could be missing out on important information about their children’s online activities, like whether they’re suicidal, talking to predators, or viewing harmful content online. This isn’t to say that kids don’t deserve some privacy, but as they’re growing up and figuring out what’s safe and what isn’t, they need supervision and guidance from their parents. Apple doesn’t allow for this.

Screen Time Is a Stop-Gap Solution & Notoriously Buggy

“But wait! Apple has their own parental control app,” people may say. This is technically true, but relying on Screen Time to protect your child on their iPhone is like giving them half a bike helmet — one quick lapse in judgment online and something horrible could happen.

Every day in Parenting in a Tech World, our Facebook group for digital families, we see parents asking questions about why Screen Time isn’t working and how their kids are managing to get around the settings they’ve put in place. Apple themselves even acknowledges their bugs from time to time instead of just instantly fixing the issues.

Lockable Browsers, Are You Kidding?

Just another example of how iPhones are a bad idea for kids. We talked about their commitment to privacy earlier, but the company keeps rolling out more and more features that really double down on this privacy thing. 

With a recent update, users can now create their private browsing windows that are protect with FaceID, which means that no one — not even a parent — can get access to what their child’s been looking at online. This is basically like giving kids their very own Apple-sanctioned vault app, which are like the fake calculator apps children download to hide other apps or content. 

Apple’s Commitment to a Safer Environment Is Woeful

In 2021 Apple discussed launching a feature that would detect, report, and remove instances of child sexual abuse material (CSAM) found on its devices to the proper authorities. A year later, the company walked this decision back, once again leaning back on its privacy mission. There are a few things on this planet that we can all agree are evil, and CSAM is one of them. The fact that Apple had the chance to make its devices safer and decided not to is objectionable.

The Bark Phone Is Your Best Option, Hands Down

I know, I know — I work at Bark. But the Bark Phone *is* the best option for families. I wouldn’t be dedicating my professional life to helping parents if we didn’t offer the safest product out there. (Also, TIME agrees with me!) Before Bark made phones, we made an app that changed the way parents monitor their children’s online activities. 

When we had the chance to design a phone from the ground up, we were able to add in all of the functions we — and families all over — wished existed. Let me explain why the Bark Phone smashes the competition, and especially iPhones:

Actual parents designed it using actual feedback from families

Every feature on the Bark Phone is intended to help protect kids and give parents greater control over their child’s online world. And we continue to talk to parents and implement new features, making the Bark Phone an evolving piece of technology that continues to speak to the needs of families.

It’s tamper-proof for even the savviest kids

Kids pride themselves on getting around Apple’s Screen Time, and often the first thing they figure out is that they can simply change their device’s time zone — it’s that easy. With the Bark Phone, these sorts of things don’t happen because you control everything, from whether they can even access the settings app to who they can text. 

Our alerts help save lives every day

The Bark Phone comes with our award-winning monitoring built right into the device, so it can’t be removed, and it automatically monitors texts and many apps. This allows for more seamless detection of potential issues, including time-sensitive ones that could save a child’s life.

The Bark Phone is 100% customizable 

Every family uses the Bark Phone differently, because no two families have the same needs and kids. Some opt for our no-internet, no-app plan, while others allow just a few vetted apps. And for older kids, they may take a more hands off approach but still check alerts for any potential issues.

Kids can’t delete texts without permission

This seems like such a simple thing, but it’s so important for parents to be able to sense check sent and received messages. Otherwise, kids could use texts as essentially Snapchat.

Remember, iPhones Will Always Be There

I know that kids are wild about iPhones, and that coveted blue text bubble can be a status symbol. But your kid only gets one childhood, and it's important to help keep them as safe as possible while teaching them how to use technology. 

During this crucial time when they're younger, the absolute best thing you can do is provide them with safer tech. When they’re an older teen, iPhones will still be there. And when they become an adult, they can use Apple products for their entire life. But for right now, you and your kid deserve greater safety and peace of mind.

Dear Titania,

My son is turning 12 soon, and I was wondering when most parents start thinking about social media. How do you know when they’re ready? Is it ever a good idea? I know every family’s values are different, but I figure he’ll eventually want to experiment with social media, and I want to set my kid up for success — and help keep him safe. 

Signed,

Worrying Way in Advance

Dear Worrying Way in Advance,

First, I commend you on thinking ahead! Some parents allow full access and worry later, then have to deal with putting the toothpaste back in the tube. Social media is a tricky thing, and some kids are definitely more into it than others. 

To begin with, nearly every social media platform has strict social media age restrictions with a minimum age requirement of 13. Of course, this isn’t the age at which kids magically become capable of handling the intense psycho-social effects of social media — it’s just an agreed-upon number that the tech companies came up with. Also, many, many kids simply fudge their age when signing up. And most apps don’t do anything to make this process more stringent.

All this to say, social media before 13 is definitely not a good idea — and honestly, social media after 13 is probably not a good idea, either. The longer you can wait, the better.

In all of my years talking to parents about kids and technology, nobody has ever expressed regret about requiring their children to be a little older before giving them the keys to the social media world. For those who let go too soon, they usually realize it would have been beneficial to wait. There’s even a movement called Wait Until 8th, which advocates for parents to not only push social media use but even smartphone use until eighth grade.

Talk to Your Kid About Social Media and What They Think About It

The first experience most kids have with social media is usually through their parents — they see you posting and talking about Instagram or Facebook. Some kids may even have hundreds of photos of themselves on your social media, so they’re not unaware of the role it plays in people’s lives. 

Your letter doesn’t mention that your son is terribly interested in it, yet. This means he probably doesn’t feel the pull like some kids do. This makes sense, as every kid is different. But many parents start hearing requests and demands as early as 10 or 11, which can make the conversation a little different. In your case, you can play offense instead of defense, giving you the ability to lead the conversation. 

Here are a few conversation starters to get you going:

• “How popular is Instagram or TikTok among your classmates?”
• “What are the main ways your friends chat and make plans online?”
• “Are there any social media apps that interest you?”
• “Have you witnessed any drama at school because of social media?”
• “Do you think social media is generally good or bad for kids?”

Things to Consider Regarding Maturity

The checklist for figuring out whether a kid may be ready for social media is a little different than deciding if they’re ready for a phone. Phones are important for safety, location, communication, and school work. Social media, on the other hand, is entirely a privilege. Some very mature 14-year-olds could be perfectly fine on social media, while I know some 40-year-olds who still can’t handle it. 

Of course, some kids may adamantly argue that it’s absolutely necessary for a social life, but that’s still not a convincing argument for some families. 

To gauge whether your child may be emotionally equipped to handle the potential stresses that come with social media, consider the following:

• Does your child seem secure in their friend group? Fear of missing out (FOMO) is real and can make kids feel bad about themselves.
• Do they exercise self-control when online in other ways, i.e., following screen time rules?
• Have you talked to your child about cyberbullying and how to act appropriately online?
• Consider the app they want. Having TikTok to watch silly dog videos is different from wanting Snapchat to send disappearing messages to friends.
• Does your child have fairly good self-esteem? Social media can exacerbate feelings of low self-worth and introduce kids to content that can negatively affect them, like videos about dieting and disordered eating.
• Have you talked about stranger danger and how people online aren’t always who they seem? Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for some kids to get manipulated into dangerous relationships with predators on social media.

Start Slow, and Monitoring Is Absolutely Essential

When you decide the time is right to introduce social media —whatever your child’s age — it’s a good idea to start with one and only one. When you decide which one, make sure you research it and understand thoroughly how it works and all of the potential pitfalls. Many apps have Family Pairing features that can connect your accounts so you can keep an eye on what they’re doing and who they’re talking to. Keep in mind, though, that kids can turn these features off at any time.

I also strongly recommend monitoring with an app like Bark, providing parental control for social media apps by scanning digital activities for concerning issues. On a Bark Phone or with an Androids with the Bark app installed, you’ll get alerts for potential dangers in popular platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat. Here’s a full list of what Bark monitors on different apps and platforms. 

How Bark Can Help

Bark’s award-winning monitoring can help you learn what’s going on in your child’s life, and it helps you keep them safe. You’ll get alerts for potential dangers like bullying, suicidal ideation, online predators, and signs of disordered eating. This way you can check in and make sure everything’s okay. 

Bark also lets you block apps you’re worried about. You can even set super granular screen time limits. For example, you could make it so your kid could only access Instagram from 5 to 7 p.m. every day while you’re in the living room together. 

Good luck! Social media is a new rite of passage for both our kids and our generation of parents — something entirely new in the history of humans. If you need some extra help explaining to your kid why you’re rightfully concerned about all the possible dangers, sit down together and watch Childhood 2.0, a free documentary about raising kids in the digital age.

Dear Titania,

I finally got my daughter her first phone, and it’s an Android with Bark. It’s the best choice for our family, as I know Androids work better with parental controls than iPhones. But she says that she’s being teased about having an Android and the dreaded “green bubble” that shows up when she texts friends. Some of them are even saying things like “We’d include you in the group chat if you had an iPhone.” I don’t want to give in to 12-year-old bullies, of course, but how can I make her feel better?

Signed, 

Going Bananas Over Bubbles

Dear Going Bananas Over Bubbles

Welcome to the dividing issue of our time! We hear about this constantly, and it’s not just kids and teens who are team iPhone or team Android — some parents even feel pretty strongly about the color of their bubbles! 

Androids and iPhones dominate the smartphone market, and in America, iOS devices are preferred ~62% over Android ~38%. Globally, it’s a different story, with Android at ~68% and iPhones at ~32%.

One main difference between the two camps is that Apple only makes iPhones — though there are constantly new versions coming out every few years. On the other hand, Androids are manufactured by a variety of companies, from Samsung to Google and tons more on the lower end of the price spectrum. 

Let’s Start With the Facts

First off, Androids are 100% the better option for kids for one main reason: they work better with parental controls and monitoring. 

iPhones are known for their stringent privacy rules — and that’s great for adults concerned with big tech — but not so much for parents trying to make sure their children are safe. Children need guardrails when it comes to their first phone.

It’s also true that iPhones and Androids can usually communicate just fine. But when you start getting into group chats, things get a little wonky.

Apple has been behind the times and is the primary cause of these small yet surprisingly annoying frustrations. But starting in 2024, they’re going to address these issues! The good news is that this will make texting work more seamlessly between mixed groups. The bad news is that the green and blue bubble distinction won’t be going anywhere.

Status Symbols Have Always and Will Always Be a Thing

Why are iPhones so popular? In addition to their coveted blue text bubbles, they’re seen as status symbols. New iPhones can cost upwards of a thousand dollars, while low-end Androids can cost a mere $200 or less. I know — that sounds ridiculous. And it is, really, in the grand scheme of things. But technology is a big part of our lives these days, and it’s not going anywhere.

The irony is that a child owning any smartphone is actually pretty incredible, given how much they cost and the power they hold. Kids can just be mean, unfortunately. 

But unlike the status symbols of past generations — remember Starter Jackets, American Eagle t-shirts, and countless others — a phone is used daily and is a regular part of life. Jackets don’t always come out if it’s warm, but whether or not you have a blue or green bubble will show up every single day. 

Of course, for Gen Z, it’s not just Apple devices. Chick-fil-A, Starbucks, and Amazon also top the list of this generation’s most-coveted brands. 

Ways to Address the Bubble Debate

Here are just a few of the ways you can talk to your kid about having an Android. 

Listen to their perspective

Growing up is different today, and the smartphone debate is a big digital rite of passage. Talk to your child about what they’ve seen at school and what they’re afraid of.

Acknowledge peer pressure

Depending on your family’s financial situation, iPhones and other expensive brands may not be in the cards. Everyone wants to fit in, but these days it can be harder than ever to keep up with Joneses. Peer pressure is going to be an issue for not just phones, but clothes, cars, and even haircuts. Some parents, of course, do give in and switch to iPhones in an effort to save their child’s feelings. But this is a trade-off that comes with lesser security and more mental health risks.

Highlight common features

At the end of the day, 99% of the most sought-after features for any smartphone are going to be the same — texting, calling, playing games, and taking great photos. Androids are just as capable. And some, like Google Pixels or the newest Samsungs, are just as fancy (if not more so!) than iPhones.

Talk about what real friends do

If a child is being teased for having a green bubble, odds are those kids aren’t close friends. This of course doesn’t make it any easier on a kid that already feels bad, but it’s worth discussing how their real friends will want to text them no matter what color their bubble is.

A Reminder About Time, Youth, and Feelings

For kids, every feeling they have seems like the most important feeling that’s ever been had. This is partly because of hormones, and also because to them, it just may be true. It’s hard to have a lot of perspective when you’re a tween.

Your child will have the entire rest of their life to have an iPhone. Some families even make the transition once a kid has consistently demonstrated responsibility with their technology.  

After all, a 16-year-old who’s driving and with a part-time job is different from an 11-year-old just starting out on their digital journey. Younger kids deserve more protection than iPhones can and will allow.

A Brief History of Apple’s Recent Security Flaws

Apple may be a status symbol, but iPhones are just plain riskier — and that’s a fact. Their screen time is notoriously buggy, causing lapses in protection for families and potential exposure to inappropriate content.

Recently, the company came under fire for its new iOS 17 update that makes air-dropping contacts even easier — which means that they’ve made it quicker to exchange contact info. 

Kids Can Outsmart Apple Screen Time

Let’s face it — kids know tech better than we do. And one thing they’re really, really good at is circumventing the screen time limits on Apple Screen Time, the free “control” app that Apple provides. It’s not terribly robust, and kids get around the controls you set by installing VPNs or changing the time zone.

With the Bark Phone, kids won’t be able to delete Bark or download workarounds — making it much safer.

What Real Parents Are Saying About Androids

We’ve pulled these comments from parents in our Parenting in a Tech World Facebook group when discussing why Androids are the better choice for families:

• "No matter what I tried, I could not lock down the iPhone to protect my kids. Bark Phones are amazing!"
• "BARK Phone … your time is worth a LOT!!! …peace of mind, and safety … quit fighting the iPhone which is clearly built for loopholes.  I’ve had it now for a month and it has completely changed the phone dynamic in my home.  My daughter and I can now enjoy technology together and she can earn additional privileges without the many many temptations constantly staring her in the face."
• “Make him a chart that shows all the ways his phone is better than theirs. "If you want subpar tech that's on y'all.” We're an Android family because the phones are consistently better.”
• "Keep the Android. IPhones allow for a lot of ways for kids to get around monitoring.”
• “If it's not an iPhone, it'll be something else. I would use this time to teach him that he shouldn't change for anyone, that he can't give in to peer pressure, and to not worry about what others think. Easier said than done, but these are real-life lessons.”

At the End of the Day, Androids Are the Smarter (and Safer) Choice

Androids allow parental control apps like Bark to work at their best. And if you’re looking for the safest option, the Bark Phone is your absolute best bet. 

Not only is our monitoring software built-in to a Samsung A series, the phone also comes with controls built especially for parents — like contact approvals, location tracking, and alerts for sexting and other dangers. iPhones don’t even come close to this level of protection.

Good luck! No matter what, I know you have your child’s best interests at heart. This stuff is hard!

Dear Titania,

I recently decided to give my 11-year-old son an iPhone. It’s his first phone, and he’s of course thrilled with it, but I think I made a mistake. He hasn’t done anything explicitly wrong yet, but the screen time controls don’t work great and I’m worried he’s going to eventually get in over his head. There’s a lot to take in and it’s too much for him, I think. I also think I need more oversight into everything, in general. Is it okay to walk everything back? And even more importantly, how do I do it? 

Signed,

Trying to Put the Tech Toothpaste Back in the Tube

Dear Trying to Put the Tech Toothpaste Back in the Tube

Boy, do I feel you! And not only that, I imagine countless other parents across the entire world feel the same way. iPhones are one of the most popular phones ever created, so it’s only natural to have thought that the phones we use would be just as good for our kids. 

We were all wrong. Here’s an analogy that I think illustrates the point. Our society doesn’t always think of kids first when it comes to technology. Cars were invented in 1886. Guess when car seats for children came along?

Not until 1962. 

What this means is that until only recently, the idea of a cell phone for kids just didn’t exist. Fortunately, things are different now — kids’ phones are a growing market, and the Bark Phone is leading the pack. 

Kids Aren’t Just Little Adults

Our iPhones rule our lives as grownups, and we use them to communicate, work, relax, and stay informed about the world. Our brains are fully developed, though, and we’re not learning how to interact with the world for the first time.

Kids, on the other hand, are the exact opposite! Their reward centers are more vulnerable to addicting games and notifications. Their hand-eye coordination is still developing. Their sense of self-worth and belonging is still embryonic. Giving a child a phone with no boundaries — and by extension, the internet, social media, and the horrible things that being online presents — is like giving them a weapon. As parents, it’s our job to help them grow up safely and ready for the challenges of being an adult on planet Earth. Nowadays, that means teaching them to use technology in a slow process that gradually adds in features, not all at once. 

iPhones Aren’t Built for Children

Can kids use iPhones just fine? Of course, they probably know more about them than we do. Do kids absolutely love iPhones? A truer statement has never, ever been uttered. But kids also would love cake for dinner every night. 

iPhones are made for adults, and any of the parental controls that exist on them right now were added as afterthoughts. They’re buggy, and not terribly comprehensive. And the ethos that guides Apple’s products (privacy) doesn’t exactly translate well for an 11-year-old, who doesn’t need privacy so much as support and guardrails. 

How to Talk to Your Son

I’ll give it to you straight: going backward is going to be a challenge – but not impossible. Here are a few conversation starters to help you out:

Start with your concerns

When you sit down with your son, start with what you’re worried about. Say, “I know we started with an iPhone, but I think we need something different. Remember when you got training wheels for your bike?” We also recommend watching Childhood 2.0, a documentary that features actual kids and parents and the issues technology presents to them today.

Remind him that iPhones are always going to be there

Your son isn’t going to have a kid’s phone forever. In fact, for the vast, vast majority of his life he won’t have anything but an iPhone, if that’s what he wants. But during this critical time in his adolescence, it’s the best option for him and you. 

Stress that it’s not about him, it’s about other people

No matter how good of a kid is or how trustworthy he is, there is still the potential for danger from strangers and even other kids. Ask, “Have you ever seen something that made you uncomfortable online?” Odds are, he’ll say yes. Talk about how you want to be there as a safety net, in case something happens that he may not recognize or know how to handle.

Why the Bark Phone Is Your #1 Best Option

To begin with, the Bark Phone was built by a team of parents — who listened to other parents’ feedback about what they needed — from the ground up with children in mind. 

The result is a device that puts parents 100% in the driver's seat when it comes to managing their child’s online experience. Our $29/month starter plan comes locked down with no apps, games, or social media for a safer first-phone experience. 

As your child gets older, all you have to do is head to the parent dashboard to unlock more features as your kid matures, things like web browsers and school apps.  At the heart of everything the Bark Phone does, however, is our advanced content monitoring, and why I think your decision to walk back from the iPhone is such a good one. 

You don’t know what you don’t know, and this is where Bark helps parents so, so much. If your child is texting a friend about feeling suicidal, you’ll get an alert. If someone sends him an inappropriate picture, you’ll get an alert. 

Bark won’t let you see everything on your kid’s phone, but it does highlight things you should probably know about. And that peace of mind is priceless. Good luck!

Dear Titania,

My daughter loves Roblox, but I read this week about how it’s actually pretty dangerous when it comes to adults targeting kids for predation. I don’t always understand the app — there’s a LOT going on in it — so I would love some advice for how to lock it down and help protect her from the predators on there. 

Signed,

Ready to Lock Down Roblox

Dear Ready to Lock Down Roblox,

I hear you loud and clear — Roblox is a beloved game of children around the world, but also of adults, some of whom are targeting kids for abuse and manipulation. A lot of parents may not understand all of the nuances of the game, and because of this, just grant their child free rein when it comes to Roblox. If you’re new to the game, in a previous Ask Titania, I gave a rundown of how the game works and why kids are so drawn to it. 

Fortunately, Roblox actually does offer parental controls, and they’re strong enough to be locked down with a parent PIN code, which prevents your child from changing the rules you set. Of course, they’re not 100% foolproof, but they definitely help more than most other platforms. First, let’s talk about the news this week that has sent many parents scrambling. 

Recent News Highlighting the Dangers of Roblox

In this Reel, you’ll learn about a girl from New Jersey who was abducted by a man she allegedly met on Roblox and transported 130 miles across state lines. Fortunately, she was found a short while later, but stories like these don’t always end on a positive note. 

We say this a lot at Bark, but any time there’s a chat room online in an app or game, there's always the chance of predators lurking. I’m not being sensational or exaggerating: it’s just a fact. I wish it weren’t true — especially on an app like Roblox, where a full 50% of its users are under 13. 

So, what’s a parent to do? There’s a lot, and I’m going to walk you through it. 

Step-by-Step Guide to Setting Roblox Parental Controls on Your Kid’s Phone

When it comes to parental controls and a true dedication to helping protect younger players, Roblox really walks the walk — but that doesn’t mean it’s a safe environment. But following these steps can help make it safer. 

Start here: Add your parent email to link yourself to your kid's Roblox account

1. Log in to the account.
2. Tap the three dots in the bottom-right corner.
3. Scroll down and tap the gear icon — it says Settings.
4. Tap Parental Controls.
5. From the drop-down menu under My Settings, tap Account Info.
6. You'll see in red text "Add Parent's Email." Tap the black text link next to it that says Add Parent's Email and add yours.
7. Open up your personal email and verify the link that Roblox sent. You may have to close out the Roblox app and reopen it to reflect the changes.

Set a pin code so your child can’t change your settings

Parents can enable a 4-digit PIN which is required to make changes to the account. Note: You must have your parent email linked before you can set up a PIN code.

1. Log in to the account.
2. Tap the three dots in the bottom-right corner.
3. Scroll down and tap the gear icon — it says Settings.
4. Tap Parental Controls 
5. Toggle on "Parent PIN."
6. If you haven't linked your parent email yet, you'll be prompted to do so — see the above steps. If you have linked it, you'll be able to enter in your PIN code here.
7. Now, any changes to parental controls will need your passcode.

How to manage who can contact your child

You can get to this via the parental controls tab but also through the security section in Settings.

1. Log in to the account.
2. Tap the three dots in the bottom-right corner.
3. Scroll down and tap the gear icon — it says Settings.
4. Tap Privacy.
5. Scroll down and choose the appropriate settings for who can message your child, who can chat with them, and who can add them to private servers. The choices are friends and no one. I’d recommend no one.

How to Set Parental Controls on desktop

Luckily, we have an entire step-by-step video that will show how to lock down your child’s Roblox account. The steps are similar to what you’ll see on mobile, but the buttons are in different places. 

Other Things You Can Do to Help Protect Your Child

In addition to parental controls, make sure your child’s user name doesn’t have anything that paints a target on their back as a kid — things like school names, birth years (i.e., Jack2012), an obviously young/child-favorite reference, and more. 

Also make sure that you sit down and watch your child play Roblox occasionally. This can help you understand what they’re seeing and who they’re interacting with. Finally, always communicate that your child can come to you if someone makes them feel weird online. This way, they’ll get in the habit of telling you about uncomfortable things that don’t feel right. 

How Bark Can Help

Roblox does a decent job with their parental controls, but Bark can offer you additional protections outside of the built-in parental controls within Roblox

With our screen time scheduling tools, you can decide when they can play the game. This could look like no Roblox until after school — and you can also block during the school day and after lights out. If it ever gets to be too much, you could also block it altogether to give your kid a breather. 

Bark actually monitors Roblox! On Android devices and the Bark Phone, Bark can scan content searches and sent chats. By monitoring sent chats, you can stay informed about who your child is communicating with and the nature of their conversations. Detecting potentially harmful content searches can help you identify any inappropriate searches, empowering you to address issues proactively.

Visit bark.us/signup to start your free trial today!

Dear Titania,

I feel horrible right now. I recently found out that my 13-year-old kid has been inappropriately chatting with someone on Discord. My son says it’s a child his age, but I’m pretty sure it’s an adult. I check his texts, his photos, and his social media every evening and we’ve talked about stranger danger. I’ve even set screen time limits and blocked a ton of websites. Somehow this fell through the cracks — Discord has so many different servers and chats that it’s hard to parse through. The messages are sexual in nature, and I just feel like a parenting failure. What did I do wrong? And how can we recover from this?

Signed,

Feeling Like A Failure

Dear Feeling Like A Failure,

First off, you are not a failure. Right now is maybe the hardest time to be a parent in the history of parenting. Our tech-obsessed culture has deemed it generally okay for kids to be handed these devices that have instant access to all of the images, videos, and people in the world. Some parents may choose to wait longer to give their kids a phone, but eventually, every child will need one at some point if they’re going to function with one as an adult.

This means it’s hard, and it’s also very complicated! Also, it sounds like you’ve been doing everything right. Your level of involvement in your child’s digital world is top tier — you’ve set parental controls, engaged in spot-checking, and have talked about the serious issues. 

Shift Your Perspective

Instead of thinking that you failed, I want you to think that you discovered this information at exactly the right time. You were fortunate enough to catch this before anything worse could have happened.

It’s both a blessing and a curse that the internet leaves a trail of nearly every interaction. A curse, because these conversations and images often come back to haunt people. But it’s a sort of a blessing because it often enables parents to figure out what happened. 

Just think: a child talking to a stranger in the 80s most likely did it out in public, with no permanent record of their interaction. If they exchanged messages, they would have been on paper, which can be easily burned and destroyed. Parents would have literally no way to learn about some of these risky interactions.

Kids Have Always and Will Always Push Limits

This brings me to another important thing to remember: kids are going to kid. What do I mean by that? Basically, if there’s a way to explore things or sneak around parents, it's probably going to happen. Now, not every child, of course — there are some children that may never cause their parents a moment’s unease. 

But for the rest, there are definitely going to be challenges. For our generation, it was sneakily picking up the phone at night when you were supposed to be asleep.

Some of my friends in the 90’s had beepers, and used them to send messages. Still others were figuring out ways to watch porn on scrambled TV screens.

My point is that this generation isn’t any different from us. They just have way more avenues to get into trouble — and they can do it while sitting in the same room as you. This is a very frightening thought.

Where There’s Chat, There’s Danger

You mentioned checking texts and social media, and you’re definitely on the right track there. But any place where there's a chat room, there’s a chance for predators to contact kids. We’ve even seen it happen in fitness apps and religious apps!

Discord is an especially tricky platform because many adults don’t understand. The TL;DR is that it’s kind of like Slack, if you’re familiar with it. If you’re not, just know that Discord is an app entirely used for communicating with texts, voice chat, and video chat. This means it’s an especially dangerous app for kids because adults can reach out to them in a ton of different ways. 

Interest in Sex Is Natural But Stressful

If your son thought he was talking to someone his own age, this isn’t a rarity. As kids grow up and enter adolescence, age-appropriate sexual curiosity is 100% normal and to be expected. As parents, it can be distressing to discover our teens taking part in anything remotely sexual. You’ll need to talk to your child, though. Our parents only had to give us the birds-and-the-bees talk. We have to do that and talk about how it intersects with digital technology.

A Danger to Know About: Sextortion

The problem, of course, is that he may have been talking to a predator, which is anyone who manipulates a child online into sexual discussion/behavior. Boys especially can be the target of scams like this, and it’s known as sextortion. They’ll be tricked into thinking they’re chatting with someone their own age, then the predator will convince them to send nude photos or videos and blackmail the child with them. 

How Bark Can Help

You’re already on top of a lot of the things your child is getting into online, which is great. But it’s like playing whack-a-mole — as soon as you get a handle on one thing, another will take its place.

This is why I recommend the Bark Phone. Our built-in parental controls can help you manage nearly everything your child can do. First off, you can approve all apps and review all contacts so you know who he’s talking to.

The Bark Phone also monitors popular apps like Discord, but also YouTube, Gmail, WhatsApp, and countless others. Then, we alert you if we find something concerning. Bark scans for sexual content, predators, bullying, suicidal ideation, drugs/alcohol, and all of the other things you need to know about, too. If you want to let your child utilize tech in a safer way, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If and when it’s time for your child to have access, the Bark Phone gives children the ability to become responsible and healthier digital natives with close (but not overbearing) parental supervision.

Dear Titania,

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of pushback online about posting photos of kids on social media — even on private accounts! But at the same time, there are tons of parenting Instagram accounts out there that keep their young ones front and center. What’s the difference? And what should I be doing? I want to help keep my kids safe, but what harm could some pictures on the playground prove?

Signed,

Perplexed About Posting

Dear Perplexed About Posting,

This is a very timely question! It seems like many parents are starting to realize just how problematic all of the online sharing they’ve done really is. This is partly a result of time: the internet and smartphones — and all of the ways they’ve changed our daily lives — have only been super popular since about 2007. 

It was a learn-as-you-go approach, and at first, we were so, so excited to be able to instantly share photos with family and friends. It was only natural that documenting their entire lives would follow. 

But now, as that crop of kids born around 2007 is about to enter adulthood, we’ve been charged with rethinking some things. 

To Begin, Imagine Your Child at Age 21

They’re finishing up college and applying for jobs — you’re so proud! But when their potential boss Googles them (as will inevitably happen), they suddenly gain access to pictures and stories of your child’s entire life. They see all of the photos and videos you’ve taken and posted on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, WordPress, Twitter, Threads — you name it, and it’s there for the perusing.

Granted, not every parent posts on every platform, and not every child has a Google-able name (the John Smiths of the world are hard to find). But imagine having your entire childhood available for the world to see with just a few taps on the keyboard, and all without your permission. After all, the first photo of a child that ends up online is usually an ultrasound, before they’ve even been born.

We talk a lot about a child’s digital footprint  — how nudes and disappearing messages can stay forever online — but not about how a parent’s digital footprint can affect kids. Before your child can consent to photos and videos of them being online (before they can even talk!), you’re making the decision for them. Some of these photos may be embarrassing, weird, or inappropriate. Some may be perfectly fine or innocent, as well. But they’re all there without an okay from your kid.

A Brief History of Sharenting

Before the internet, we shared photos of kids. Physically. We mailed them to grandparents, sent Sears photo session postcards during the holidays, and popped hastily taken Polaroids in envelopes. 

Then, the internet came. You could now email digital photos! Facebook next opened a world of possibilities with photo albums. Instagram followed suit. Around this same time, blogging really took off, and the concept of “mom bloggers” emerged —  moms (and dads) who would painstakingly document the daily life of raising kids, messy hair, tantrums, and all. The most popular bloggers got sponsors, enabling them to make money from ads. 

Eventually, the concept of mom blogging transformed into the parenting influencer. Instead of a blog, these parents shared social media posts and videos of their kids and their family’s life. When they get enough followers, brands pay them to promote their products — anything from trendy snacks to hair care tools. And full disclosure: At Bark, we’ve worked with influencers to help raise awareness about our offerings and impact.

It’s More Than Privacy, It’s Safety

At the end of the day, there’s more to this than just a child’s digital identity. It’s how closely linked privacy is to safety. Here are just a few ways they’re intertwined. 

CSAM

CSAM stands for child sexual abuse material. Any photo of a child that’s freely available online has the potential to be downloaded and shared online with potential nefarious purposes. These images may be photoshopped into sexual poses or shared on the dark web among pedophiles. 

Potential stalking

When you post photos of your child day in and day out, it can become easy to learn where your family spends their time. This means predators could triangulate the path you take home from school, for example. And those back-to-school photos with chalkboards detailing your kid’s grade, age, teacher, school, and interests? It’s like broadcasting to the entire world the most intimate details of your child’s life. 

Identity theft

It may not seem like it, but another potential danger is someone online stealing your child’s identity. And while a 6-year-old can’t apply for a credit card, a hacker using your child’s name, address, and location may be able to!

Bullying

Everything that lives online publically can be found by people — including your child’s peers. If you’re posting a ton of photos of them on your personal Instagram account, for example, this could open them up to bullying. Is it fair? Absolutely not. But growing up is hard, and it’s even harder in the digital age. 

What You Can Do

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share and document your child’s life — you just need to be mindful about everything. The first (and easiest) thing to do is to lock down all of your social media profiles. Make them private. And if you have a lot of followers that you don’t know, consider if you really need them. Or, at the very least, you could make a close friends list so only your besties see photos of your kids. 

Most parents aren’t influencers, and we’re all out here just trying to raise our kids the best way we know how, all while trying to preserve some legacy via photos for our families. It’s actually a gift, being able to do this. Before about 1960 or so, video of a child’s first steps was only a dream, something that lived only in memory. 

As you go forward, just try to remember that this is all relatively new in the grand scheme of things, and try to picture your child as an adult and what they’d want others to learn about them from a quick Google search.

Dear Titania, 

After a long summer of relaxed rules over video games and screen time, the new school year is proving to be quite the challenge — for both my son and me! Do you have any suggestions for making this transition a little less painful? I’d also love general tips for balancing the overwhelming amount of information and activities the school year brings with it.

Signed,

Big Stressing Over Back to School

Dear Big Stressing Over Back to School,

Summers are important to families, but they definitely cause abrupt habit changes twice a year — and this can be hard to weather! In an ideal world, kids would keep roughly the same routine year round, but when the daily habits of class and sports are gone, everything goes out the window. Not to mention family trips and camps!

The good news is that getting back into the school swing of things isn’t impossible, and thankfully, once you’re there, it lasts for about 9 months, give or take. To help parents get through this time of year, we’ve even compiled an entire page of back-to-school resources for parents, too — check it out. 

My Go-To Tips for Making Back to School a Little Easier

Here are some of my tried and true pieces of advice that can make your family’s life less hectic when the school year starts up again. Take what you need, and if something doesn’t work for you, skip it!

Try and prioritize your child’s sleep schedule

Have you heard of sleep hygiene? It’s not about clean sheets (though those definitely help!), but rather all of the good sleep habits that help set you up for success. For kids, it’s especially important as sleep is so essential to growing bodies. Make sure your child is going to bed at a reasonable hour and keep phones and gaming consoles out of the bedroom so there’s no distraction. And if your kid needs the occasional nap during the afternoon, that’s cool too!

Manage screen time rules for maximum focus time

One of the biggest problems you’ll run into when it comes to the school year is the battle against screens — TVs, phones, tablets, laptops, video games, you name it. If it’s shiny and fun, it’s always going to be a more tempting option than an algebra textbook. Fortunately, you can set up rules on your child’s phone — and the Bark Phone makes this super simple — that automatically block apps and websites during certain times of the day. 

This could look like no YouTube or Fortnite during the school day, or only school-related apps during homework time. When your kid knows their phone will eventually be a brick, they’ll be less likely to pick it up and get distracted by it. 

I’ve talked to many teachers, and they’ve all told me that if more parents were proactive and blocked distracting apps on phones during the school day, they’d have a much easier time keeping kids’ attention.

Create a dedicated quiet study and homework space

You don’t have to have a state-of-the-art, Pinterest-designed study room for your child (though that’s great if you do, I’m definitely jealous). Just make sure there’s a space where you child can associate their            school work with home — it can even be a usual chair at the kitchen table that’s their go-to spot.

Turn off notifications at key times

Even with an iron-clad screen time schedule in place, your child may still be distracted by texts or phone calls — maybe even by you! Every phone and smart watch, however, has the ability to mute notifications for periods of time so you’re not constantly getting dinged by friends and family. Teach your child to get in the habit of muting them during the school day or after class ends. The messages will still be there!

Sit down and save all of your kid’s teachers contact info

This one’s for the parents, but it’s definitely a lifesaver, especially as kids get older and have more than one teacher. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee and sift through all of the paperwork and emails and create a list of the contact info for coaches, teachers, specialists, advisors, counselors, nurses, and save them in your phone. This way, when you need to get in contact for something important, you won’t be frantically searching through your inbox for the right email or phone number.

Create a shared family calendar

Live by the family calendar. Breathe by the family calendar. Honor it! This is the best way to keep track of literally everything for your entire brood. If your family has Gmail addresses, the Google Calendar is free and works great. This may seem like a simple thing, but the more you put it into, the more you’ll get out of it. Don’t just put big, no brainer things into it like BASEBALL GAME. Put reminders, too! Like “One week until science project is due.” This way, you have ongoing countdowns so things don’t sneak up on you.

Follow school, staff, & groups on social media to stay up to date

I know — it can be a lot juggling all of the different ways to get info on a million different social media platforms. But as a parent, find the ones that are the most important to you and make sure their content shows up in your feed. Sometimes social posts are the quickest ways to find out what’s going on in real time. 

Contribute to teacher’s wish lists if you’re able

This may seem like a little thing, but teachers deserve our help if they need it, and I highly encourage you to grab a few things from your kid’s teacher’s lists if you’re in a position to help. So many teachers use their own money to help supply their classroom, and they already do so much. We’re also collecting lists to share with our community to help clear, as well!

Become familiar with the apps and sites your child uses

When your child is at school, they’re going to be exposed to all of the online habits that other kids have, which means they’ll be learning about new apps and websites. Odds are, many of these are going to be ones you probably don’t want them using. 

That’s why I recommend doing research about things your child asks to download (and yes, it's still a good idea to approve all of their apps). Bark has incredible app reviews written especially for parents, so you can learn in a matter of seconds whether an app is a dud or something worth having. 

Create a tech contract

A technology contract is a great way for your family to collaborate on rules for using devices and accessing the internet. It can help make sure the whole family is on the same page about what’s expected of them, as well as what can happen if rules are broken. 

How Bark Can Help with Back to School

I mentioned the Bark Phone earlier, but I can’t stress enough what a game-changer it is for kids, both in school and at home. By managing screen time, blocking websites and apps, and getting alerts for potential dangers, you can not only keep them on track but also help keep them safe. 

In addition to the Bark Phone, Bark also offers a free product to every public and private K–12 school in the U.S. It’s called Bark for Schools and it allows districts to monitor school-issued student accounts at absolutely no cost.   

We’ve also launched the Bark Community Partners Program to help schools educate families in their community about online dangers. Ask your child’s school if they’re using Bark and taking advantage of these free offerings!

Dear Titania,

My 13-year-old loves video games — I’d go so far as to say obsessed. I know this isn’t an uncommon issue for kids his age, but I need some serious help. If left to his own devices, he’ll play all night, either Fortnite or Call of Duty with friends or even just by himself if no else is online. How do I not only stop the marathon sessions, but also help him to understand it’s important to set healthy boundaries?

Signed,

Vexed over video games

Dear Vexed Over Video Games,

Oh boy, do I feel this one. Video games are part and parcel of growing up today, for better or for worse, but that doesn’t make managing your child’s playing time any easier. And if they’re not playing games, then they’re watching tutorial videos on YouTube or watching other people play them on streaming platforms like Twitch. It’s a whole digital ecosystem, and it can be all-immersive. 

Of course, allowing your child to play video games is totally fine (and so is not allowing them, for the parents who choose to abstain!). But it’s important to know when to step in and set limits — the earlier, the better, which is true for lots of tech gadgets. 

When it comes to video games, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than 60 minutes on school days and 2 hours on non-school days. (This may give you some insight into where your kid falls on the playing spectrum.)

How Gaming Is Different Today

As long as there’s been video games (and that’s about 40ish years), kids have been hooked on them. From Pong on an Atari in the family living room to Super Mario Brothers on a Nintendo to today’s virtual reality headsets, the technology has been ever progressing. The self-control part of kids’ brains doesn’t fully develop until they’re 25, which means that video games present a pretty attractive obsession. And the games today are shinier, louder, and much more intense.

When you take that into account and couple it with the fact that gaming today is way more social than just having a friend over to play NBA Jam, you’ve got a recipe for obsession. Old video games used to be two players, max. Nowadays, games harness the power of the internet and can consist of hundreds of players all together at once, with both friends and strangers from around the world playing. 

Of course, the pandemic didn’t help things, either, as kids relied on gaming as a liferaft to stay connected to friends they couldn’t see in person. Odds are, screen time rules also were relaxed, and reeling it back in can be hard. 

Gaming Console Parental Controls Can Be Your Best Friend

So, what’s a parent to do? First, look to the consoles themselves. Video game companies know how addictive their products are, which is why they all provide parental controls to help families keep some sort of balance. PlayStation, Xbox, and Nintendo all have fairly robust controls you can take advantage of — and you definitely should!

With each, you can manage not only the all-important gaming hours (with custom schedules!) but also privacy features, who your child can chat with, how much money they can spend on games and upgrades, and more things you may not have even thought of. 

Yes, it will require sitting down and watching a few videos on how they work, but it’s 100% worth your time. 

The Dangers of Online Multiplayer Gaming

Online gaming in particular can be a little more dangerous than solo playing because it introduces something that every parent is probably afraid of: strangers over chat. First-person shooter games like Call of Duty and Fortnite rely heavily on headsets for players to communicate, but the other players can be complete strangers from around the world.

Not only can your kid be exposed to adults screaming at them, they could also hear inappropriate content, profanity, hate speech, and more. These adults may also potentially be predators, looking to strike up relationships with children in games and then move to a different platform to chat. 

Bark Home Helps You Limit Online Gaming and More

If you’re more concerned about online gaming, the internet connection will be the most important thing to consider. The Bark Home — a small device that plugs into your home Wi-Fi router — lets you turn off the internet to Wi-Fi devices in your house. That can look like, for example, no Xbox multiplayer games after dinner and until noon the next day. 

Why I love the Bark Home is because it’s not just a one-trick pony. You can also use it to block websites and apps on any device — like TVs, computers, and more. Screen time schedules are also available, so you can create custom rules like no Netflix during dinner, along with anything else you think needs limits. 

Not only can your kid be exposed to adults screaming at them, they could also hear inappropriate content, profanity, hate speech, and more. These adults may also potentially be predators, looking to strike up relationships with children in games and then move to a different platform to chat. 

Let’s Talk About Physiology For a Minute

Sure, video games are fun and kids love them, but kids also love potato chips and candy. Both are fine in moderation, but it’s important as a parent to encourage your child to get outside and move their bodies. Lack of physical movement can lead to not only physical issues but also emotional and mental health concerns like anxiety and depression. Doctors have been saying for years now that “sitting is the new smoking,” and sitting while playing video games definitely counts.

If you’re truly worried about your child falling into the throes of video game addiction, please do not hesitate to contact your child’s pediatrician to review your concerns and next steps. According to the American Psychiatric Association, “there are plenty of safe and effective treatments for video game addiction already in use.” So that’s encouraging. 

Another helpful conversation to have surrounds brain chemistry, addiction, and emotions. Watch videos with your child that cover the pleasure centers of the brain and how powerful any addiction can be — thanks to what screens (Or sugar! Or anything else!) do to the reward centers responsible for dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, and more. 

Help your child understand that when sleep, behavior, physical activity, and relationships suffer as a result of video game time, that’s when humans need help regulating. It’s not their fault, it’s a powerful force that, if we don’t pay attention to it, can take control of our health and well-being. Tech can be a wonderful and entertaining tool, as long as WE remain in control of IT.

More Help

We often recommend tech contracts for a kid’s first phone, but you could also adapt one for video games to help set expectations. One other tip that I recommend for parents is to sit down with your kid while they’re playing and learn what they’re doing when they game.

Ask what games they like, see how they function. You may not become a video game fan, but as you’re in the process of helping to set boundaries, you’ll also learn more about something your child loves, and that’s always a good thing. 

Dear Titania,

My son just turned 13 and is begging for social media like Instagram or Snapchat. Most of his friends have had these apps for a while, but I still don’t think it’s a great idea – even if 13 is the “official” age that many platforms say is okay for kids. How can I help him to see this isn’t just because I’m a stick in the mud, that I’m actually looking out for his best interest? I want to have more reasons than just “I said so” so he knows what I’m thinking.

Signed,

Would Love Help Explaining Why We’re Waiting

Dear Would Love Help Explaining Why We’re Waiting

Oh boy, this is hands-down the hardest question I get when talking to parents. Unlike almost every other rite of passage — riding a bike, learning to drive — when to give your kid social media is hotly contested. And there’s a number of equally valid reasons because every single family (and kid) is different. 

The outcomes can be wildly different, too. Some kids will get Snapchat and just send silly selfies with dog ears to their limited circle of close friends. Others will use it to send risky messages and photos that definitely shouldn’t be sent to people they may not know in real life. It can be quite a surprise figuring out which camp your kid may fall into! 

As we begin, know that this is such a hard thing to decide and talk about with your kid. I appreciate you wanting to give reasons and talk about it openly and honestly. Many parents rely on the “because I said so” approach and while they’re not wrong (they’re the parents!), it’s not always the most effective way to get your kid to understand.

And taking the time to have a dialogue with your child can go a very long way in strengthening your relationship, especially as you approach the teen years, where you’ll probably butt heads in countless different ways. 

Start with the Objectively Good Reasons

Let’s kick this thing off with something a little eye-opening. Of all the thousands of parents I’ve talked to over the years, no one has ever expressed regret over waiting longer to give their kids social media. 

And the exact opposite is true for those that caved and allowed it earlier. Social media exposure is one of things that’s hard to roll back — you can't put that toothpaste back in the tube. 

Social media is also still relatively new in the grand scheme of human existence, and we’re not sure of its long-term effects on children’s mental health. In addition to external dangers like predators and bullying, these platforms also may contribute to disordered eating, anxiety and depression, and suicidal ideation. This is all scary stuff! 

If your child is mature enough to handle some serious topics, I highly recommend sitting them down and watching the free documentary Childhood 2.0. 

This film dives deep into the issues facing their generation and talks to actual teens as well as experts. Feedback from kids is generally positive, especially because they will relate to the other young people in the documentary. Plus, Childhood 2.0 is a good way to kickstart your own conversations with your child about your concerns. A TL;DR of the things discussed include:

• Screen addiction
• Porn
• Social media and the comparison trap
• Online predators and grooming
• Suicidal ideation

Acknowledge That You Know This Will Be Hard

Picture this scenario: You’ve laid down the law and said no to any and all social media, no matter the platform. But —your child’s travel baseball team has decided to start a group Snapchat for team updates and messaging. 

What do you do?

This is where it’s going to get hard. Like really hard. You can try to talk to your child’s coach and see if there’s another platform like GroupMe they can use instead, and they may (or may not) listen. There’s a chance you may be the only holdout, and so the idea may not fly.

This is just one example of the many ways principles can clash with the daily reality of social media, and the little nuggets of frustration they’ll produce. 

Another way is that your child will also probably start asking because our social lives do tend to revolve around social media. Kids are no different. You probably keep up with your own friends on Facebook and Instagram. 

Granted, kids aren’t adults, and this isn’t a good reason to cave, necessarily. But as we grow more and more entwined with our smart devices, it’s going to start affecting people at younger and younger ages. 

But sticking to your guns is a perfectly valid way to approach social media, and is definitely the safest way to allow your child to grow up. But it will eventually cause some pretty heated arguments, especially as kids inch towards adulthood.  

Conversation Starters

Talking about social media and your rules can automatically put your child on the defensive before you even start. Trust me, I know very well what these discussions look like. Here are a few way to start a conversation that is productive and helpful:

• Ask, “What do you think are the most dangerous parts of social media?” This question will help you see where your child’s head is when it comes to the big picture. They may groan and say “I’d never talk to strangers” but the truth is, kids don’t always know who their online friends are. 
• Ask, “What will this specific social media platform allow you to do that you can’t do now?” Listening is a key aspect of building your relationship and opens the door to conversations that might not otherwise take place.
• Ask, “What would you do if someone started making you feel weird online?” No matter how they answer this one, it’s crucial that your child knows they can always, always come to you if something scary is happening online. Kids are going to make mistakes, but it’s critical that they trust you to help them and not just get angry or punish them. 
• Ask, “What are some things you’ve heard about people getting into trouble with social media at school?” This will help you understand some of the rumors and stories about things that get out of hand. 
• Ask, “Do you really want social media or are you feeling pressured because everyone else has it?” This is less common but I’ve spoken to some parents who have kids that are actually secretly relieved they’re not allowed to have social media. That way, instead of trying to keep up, they just say “My mom won’t let me!” and then have an out. 
• Ask, “If you could have just one social media account, what would it be and why?” If it’s a social media platform you already have access to, talk to them about the good and bad that has come with you spending time on it. Set a date and time to reevaluate that request, perhaps in 3-6 months or whenever you notice increased maturity in your child and readiness to handle what comes with that kind of access. If you do not already have that app, go ahead and download it, create an account, and explore it on your own, first.

If It Gets Too Hard, Consider These Compromises

In Parenting in a Tech World, our Facebook group of more than 350,000 parents, we get so many conversations about this very question you asked. In between the two poles of no social media and no rules at all, many families fall somewhere in the middle. Here are just a few of the ways parents like you have split the difference. Caveat: There are, of course, ways kids can get around even these safeguards. But some parents have found greater luck than others. You know your kid best!

Allowing certain apps only a short amount of time a day

A lot of the bad stuff that happens on social media apps occurs late at night or with friends away from home. One way to get around this is to use Bark and set up a screen time schedule where your child can only use an app at a certain time of day. 

For example, you could block Instagram for nearly the entire day, but allow it between 5 and 6 p.m. The urge to send sketchy selfies is definitely lessened when you’re sitting with your dad in the living room before dinner. 

This way, you can control when they can even open the app. To make it even safer, you could make a rule where you get to sit with them and watch what they do or spot check the account. 

Sharing login info

Some parents have found success with allowing their child to have say, Snapchat, but requiring the parent to be logged in at all times. This way, the parent gets notifications to their phone, but doesn’t open the images. You get to see what’s going on in the app, and have a general idea of who your child is talking to.

App downloads only with monitoring

Other parents allow their kids to have some social media but require Bark so it can monitor activities for danger. Unfortunately, Apple makes it really hard for Bark and other third-parties to monitor popular apps Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat. But the good news is that Bark works great on Androids, and the Bark Phone even comes with our software built in for the best experience. 

How Bark Can Help

Whether or not you choose to allow social media, Bark can help. After all, there’s more to giving your kid a phone than just apps. Bark gives your child a digital safety net with you at the center, managing the things that matter most to your family. You can block websites and apps, create screen time schedules, and track their location when they’re out and about.

But it’s Bark’s content monitoring that can be an absolute game-changer when it comes to online safety. If you go the route of eventually allowing social media, I can’t imagine doing it without using Bark. 

Bark scans your kid’s social media accounts (and other apps!) for potential issues. If something concerning is found — like sexting, online predators, bullying, and depression — you’ll get an alert so you can check in and make sure everything’s okay. This is way easier than grabbing their phone scrolling back hundreds — or let’s be honest, thousands! — of messages. Bark alerts also prompt some pretty important and hard discussions that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. 

Good luck! This is one of the hardest things parents face today. By even worrying about this issue, you’re showing the care and commitment you have to raising a healthy teen.

**Update: As of November 2023, Omegle has shut down over claims of abuse.**

Dear Titania,

My 11-year-old son came home from school the other day talking about a “game” kids play at sleepovers called “Omegle.” He said it matches you up with random people and you can text/video chat with them. This sounds like a horrible idea, but apparently kids are constantly getting on it. What do I need to know? Why are kids so drawn to this upsetting website? And is there any way to talk to my son about how dangerous this is?

Signed,

Over Omegle

Dear Over Omegle,

First off, there’s absolutely nothing  — and I mean nothing — redeeming about Omegle. Your parenting intuition was 100% on the money for this one. I’ve heard from countless parents like you about how common this anonymous chatting app is in middle and high schools, and it’s truly frightening. The things kids can encounter are super concerning and could even scar some young people for life! You can see firsthand accounts of inappropriate exposure on Omegle in the comments section on this TikTok I recently posted. The fact that kids are coming to my video to share their stories is both eye-opening and heartbreaking.

Cheat Sheet

• Omegle is an incredibly inappropriate anonymous chatting app that connects strangers from all over the world.
• Video chats can expose kids to graphic sexual activity and potential online predators seeking to take advantage of children.
• Kids have been known to go on Omegle during sleepovers or after school as a thrill-seeking activity.
• It’s important to talk to your child about the dangers of participating in Omegle chats.

What Is Omegle and How Does It Work?

Omegle is a website that touts itself as a way to talk to strangers. All you need is access to a web browser, whether that’s on a phone, tablet, laptop, gaming console, or TV. 

One of the most shocking things about Omegle is that its homepage has a direct link to porn straight off the bat. They claim it’s there so if you’re looking to be inappropriate, you can just watch pornography instead of using Omegle. But all this does is encourage kids to not only use Omegle, but watch the supplied porn. Absolutely ridiculous. 

You’ll read several warnings on the site that it’s for 18+, but there’s absolutely no age verification to start chatting. The site also says that video chat is moderated, but I’ve seen no proof that that’s actually true — unless they’re cool with nudity and sexual acts on screen. 

Once you click into the chat, you’ll be paired up with a stranger after you choose text chat or video chat. Then, it’s exactly what you’d expect — picture a Zoom call with a stranger. It’s awkward, weird, and uncomfortable. There’s a chance you could be paired with a fellow kid, but you’re never in control of who you match with. And because of Omegle’s reputation, the potential for sexual content is extremely high — including naked videos, live on-screen sex acts and more.

The Lure of Anonymous Chatting Apps

Omegle is the 21st century version of logging on to an adults-only AOL chat room, something that many teens did back in the 90s. Kids really haven’t changed through the years — but technology has. 

And today, tech gives kids a readily available, free way to act impulsively. When are kids using Omegle? They’re logging on after midnight at a sleepover when they’re hopped up on soda and lack of sleep. Or maybe they’re just on their laptop after school before parents get home.  

The chance that they might encounter something risque or “bad” is the driving force — even if deep down they’re scared or worried. Add in group dynamics and it gets a lot more complicated. 

How to Talk to Your Kid About Omegle

Kids may think that Omegle is just weird harmless fun, akin to watching an R-rated movie when your parents aren’t home. But tweens and teens may not be emotionally ready to see some of the things they may encounter on the site. 

Here are a few conversation starters to get your and your child thinking about Omegle and how it may affect them. 

• Ask, “What kinds of things have you heard about your friends seeing on Omegle?” This is a good question if your child hasn’t yet used Omegle but knows classmates who have. They may know that the site is inappropriate, or they may just think it’s random chatting with other kids. 
• Ask, “What would you do if you saw someone naked on Omegle?” This may or may not happen on Omegle, but the chances are high. The question may be hard to ask, and your child may groan or laugh, but it’s important to talk about. For one thing, if they witness something inappropriate, they can always immediately close the window. Make sure they know they can always come to you if what they see makes them feel uncomfortable — even if you tell them they’re not allowed to use Omegle. At the end of the day, your child’s emotional and mental health are more important than getting angry at them for breaking a rule. And it’s possible that what they see may upset them, even if they didn’t expect it to.
• Ask, “Why do you think people do inappropriate things on Omegle?” Helping your child to understand why this site exists could help them understand why you think it’s a bad idea and not just a unilateral “because I said so.” Stress that you want to protect them from weird people and potential child predators. 

Ways Bark Can Help

One of the first things you can do is use Bark’s filtering tools to block Omegle.com on your child’s devices. Bark Home will even let you block the site on browsers on TVs and gaming consoles. There’s still the chance that your kid may encounter Omegle on a friend’s device, but at least this way you're covering all the bases that you can. 

Bark can also monitor your child’s online activities for signs of sexual content (if they screenshot an image from Omegle, for example), online predators (which can be prevalent on the site), and more. When you get an alert, you not only have the chance to see what’s going on in your child’s world, you also can check in and make sure everything’s okay. 

This stuff isn’t easy — our parents just had to worry about us making prank phone calls to strangers, which while annoying, usually didn’t put us in direct danger. Good luck!

Dear Titania,

I have two kids (10 and 14) and things are so tough lately. I feel like I’m just treading water lately when it comes to balancing childcare, work, cooking, cleaning, fur babies, aging parents, and a laundry list of extracurricular activities. How do other parents have time for yoga classes and girls’ nights and honestly, peace of mind? What can I do to get to a place where I feel like I have more time?

Signed,

Overwhelmed Parent

Dear Overwhelmed Parent,

First let me say: you are definitely not alone in how you’re feeling. Every parent feels overwhelmed at some point in time — if not most of the time! Raising kids isn’t (and never has been!) simple. 

Doing it in the digital age is even more of a challenge! People like to talk about all of the positive parts of being a parent, but the struggles and rough patches as your children grow into middle-schoolers are often overlooked.

Second, now’s a good time for one of my favorite reminders that helps me keep things in perspective. Although folks like us and Beyonce each have the same 24 hours in a day, those hours aren’t exactly equal. 

Beyonce has personal chefs, professional cleaners, and a thousand other domestic helpers. The average parent literally has to do it all, which is why it feels so overwhelming. Because a lot of times, it is!

It’s 100% normal to admit that the job of parenting is hard and isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. In fact, it’s probably much healthier for your mental health if you understand it from the get-go. Additionally, how many of us ask for help when we need it? Let’s normalize doing that. We take on too many burdens, not wanting to then be a burden to others who are just as stressed, but let’s lean into that “it takes a village” theme a little bit more, okay? 

Remember, it’s a wild time to be a parent right now

A global pandemic. Civil unrest. School violence. Mental health issues on the rise. Technology that changes constantly. Social media. Political landscapes that seem more like reality TV dramedies than actual adults focusing on the common good. Being a parent in today’s world is truly an unprecedented experience, and one that your own parents probably can’t give much advice for because no human has ever lived through a time like this. 

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

There are going to be days you just don’t feel like getting out of bed. Days the kids will make it to school (barely) in questionable outfits and lunch money in hand instead of perfectly curated bento boxes. And that’s okay — because you put one foot in front of the other and made it happen.

You can’t always give 100%, but that doesn’t mean that 85% or even 50% is a failure. Do your best, whatever your best looks like that day. Sometimes it looks like frozen pizza and a movie on the couch with your kids. One of my favorite quotes from Brene Brown is “Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.” Keep that in mind and I promise you’re doing okay.

Just breathe!

When you feel overwhelmed and caught in a negative thought spiral, it can be easy to get carried away in a wave of anxiety. To help keep yourself grounded, remember to always return to your breath. 

The body and the mind are very much connected (even if it doesn’t always feel like it). Just a few deep breaths can help you feel a little bit better in times of chaos. Breathwork is just one example of a self-care activity — check out our list to see a ton of other ideas.

Be vulnerable

It’s ok to not be ok all the time. We worry that we have to hide our weaknesses from our kids but guess what? If they know you struggle too sometimes, and you are honest with them, it helps them to be able to come to you when times get tough vs. thinking that you wouldn’t understand.

Also, back to that asking for help thing – we are not meant to live in isolation and do it all, all by ourselves. Think of one thing you can delegate today. Think of one friend or family member or colleague who can take one thing off your plate. I guarantee you’ll feel much better after raising your hand (or, sending a text), and people love helping others!

How Bark Can Help

Adding online safety to-dos to your list can feel incredibly overwhelming, and that’s the last thing you need. That’s why Bark is here to help parents in a ton of different ways! 

We provide free resources like our blog, a super helpful Facebook group where parents can ask questions and get advice, and in-depth app reviews so you can learn all about the pros and cons of the most popular platforms for kids. After all, Bark was created by a dad of two, and so many of our team members are also parents.

Have most of us at some point let screens babysit our kids? Yep. Can we lean on each other to help us do it in a safer, more responsible way? Also yep. That’s why we are really excited about the Bark Phone, the absolute best phone on the market for kids right now. The parental controls are built in and can’t be deleted, giving you peace of mind that the rules you set stay in place. You manage nearly everything, from who you kid can text to when throughout the day they can use YouTube — if at all! This is a game-changer, and we welcome all the help when it comes to parenting in a tech world. 

Dear Titania,

I have a teen that uses Snapchat to chat/send silly photos with her best friends, but I recently heard about this new chatbot the app is offering. I’ve seen some tweets saying how it’s problematic and potentially dangerous. Can you give me more info about what it is exactly and how I should talk to my kid about it?

Signed,

Is MyAI a Bad Idea?

Dear Is MyAI a Bad Idea,

First, I’m glad to hear that Snapchat in general doesn’t cause too much strife at your house. A lot of families struggle with it! Snapchat, after all, is an app that was created to send nudes, so you can see how some kids may be tempted to use it for more than just puppy dog filters. Because of this, the app generally tops my list of problematic platforms for young people.

So you can imagine my surprise when I learned that the creators were adding yet another function — a chatbot — that could potentially harm kids. Talk about a double-whammy! Don’t worry though, in this post, I’ll walk you through everything you need to know. 

Cheat sheet:

• Snapchat’s MyAI is a chatbot that works answering questions like ChatGPT
• MyAI is Snapchat’s attempt to keep users on the site longer.
• How MyAI responds isn’t always predictable — Snapchat even states that answers may be incorrect, biased, and harmful.
• Dangers may include MyAI answering questions about inappropriate content like sex, drugs/alcohol, adult-child relationships (i.e. predators), and more.
• Good news! Bark can monitor your kid’s MyAI chats and send you alerts (Android/Bark Phone) for concerning content. 

First, What Even is a Chatbot?

Snapchat’s MyAI is a chatbot, a program that’s designed to answer questions you ask it. Chatbots are meant to provide useful information to humans, and sometimes even fun in the form of games and puzzles. 

You’ve probably encountered one before without realizing it — lots of websites use them to answer simple customer questions in little boxes in the corner of the page. There are also automated text messages from doctor’s offices you can reply to (or unsubscribe from). 

You may have even used a chatbot when you were young! That’s right, remember Clippy, the helpful paperclip in Microsoft Word? He was 100% an early chat bot — but he could only answer questions about margins and grammar (thank goodness). As technology has grown, so have chatbots’ ability to answer questions about nearly anything.

Chat GPT is the most recent chatbot to gain popularity (and notoriety) in the U.S., and its ability to answer questions that sound human is remarkable. Kids are already using it to write papers, solve math problems, and more. 

Why Do Snapchat Users Need a Chatbot?

The short answer, of course, is: They don’t. But social media platforms make money the longer users — even kids! — stay on the app, which is why new features are constantly being rolled out. MyAI is Snapchat’s way of staying relevant, and it’s riding the ChatGPT wave from the past year or so. 

Here’s what Snapchat says they hope kids do with it: 

In a chat conversation, My AI can answer a burning trivia question, offer advice on the perfect gift for your BFF’s birthday, help plan a hiking trip for a long weekend, or suggest what to make for dinner.

Honestly, it still remains to be seen how popular MyAI ends up being with young people. But it’s important to know about it since it’s right there in your child’s app, waiting to be used. 

What Snapchat Has to Say About MyAI

Snapchat talks out of both sides of its mouth when it comes to MyAI. In this article from their help center, they tell you just how helpful it is for planning parties and gift ideas. But then in the immediate next paragraph, they lob a huge caveat at you absolutely filled with red flags:

We’re constantly working to improve and evolve My AI, but it’s possible My AI’s responses may include biased, incorrect, harmful, or misleading content. Because My AI is an evolving feature, you should always independently check answers provided by My AI before relying on any advice, and you should not share confidential or sensitive information.

So there we have it — Snapchat basically says outright that this isn’t a great idea, and yet they’re experimenting with this service on our kids in one of the most popular apps for young people in the world.

Potential Dangers

This is where the controversy enters the chat (pun intended). While Snapchat talks about fun things like finding dinner recipes and planning hiking trips, kids may use MyAI for wildly different reasons. A tech columnist at the Washington Post experimented with the chatbot and found that he could get it to discuss:

• Ways to lose one’s virginity
• Types of alcohol
• How to cover the smell of alcohol

There are, of course, the occasional disclaimers. MyAI will remind users that the drinking age is 21, but then go on to explain things about alcohol anyway. 

Another issue that may affect families is that kids could start to rely on MyAI for emotional support instead of family and friends. And because Snapchat states directly that sensitive information shouldn’t be shared with MyAI, there’s the possibility that it’s not safe and secure. No one wants personal life information spread online, and that seems like a possibility given the warning from the creators of the app itself. 

3 Things to Talk to Your Kid About Concerning MyAI

If you’re worried about your child interacting with MyAI — and I definitely am with you! — here are a few conversation starters. 

• Ask, “So this new MyAI on Snapchat, how do you think it works?”
  • Goal of question: See how much they already know, and then provide them with some details you learned in this post or our ChatGPT blog post. You’d be surprised how much kids are tuned into tech, though they may miss key points.
• Ask, “What’s the difference between chatting with a friend and chatting with MyAI?”
  • Goal of question: Get your kid thinking about what interactions really mean, and how emotional connections are different from just getting a “reply” back on an app.
• Ask, “Do you think MyAI could give bad advice? What’s an example?”
  • Goal of question: Help your child understand that machines aren’t perfect, and that any answers should be double-checked for accuracy, if they’re based on objective information. 

How You Can Disable It

Snapchat is really pushing MyAI to its users. It started out as a premium feature, but the company soon rolled it out to everyone across the world. Now, the reverse is happening — to remove it, you have to be a Snapchat+ subscriber. This means you have to pay to prevent your kid from accessing it if you allow them to use the app. 

How Bark Can Help

On Android devices and the Bark Phone, Bark’s advanced monitoring will scan the chats between your child and MyAI and will alert you to potential dangers like drugs/alcohol, suicidal ideation, sexual content, and more. This way, you can check and make sure everything’s okay.

It’s my hope that kids will quickly realize that there’s not really much to MyAI. But you never know — tech and trends change so fast these days. The best way to stay on top of it all is to take a deep breath, keep reading these posts, and keep talking to your kid, no matter what. 

Good luck (and you’re doing a great job – it’s not easy)!

Dear Titania,

My 9-year-old has learned about Roblox from his friends at school and can’t wait to download it on his tablet. I don’t know much about the game (I’m from the old-school Mario Kart generation) but it seems fairly harmless. A few of my parent friends have mentioned that it has some dangers — like chat, which definitely scares me — but I’d like to know what you think about it. Bonus points if you can give me the rundown on why kids love it so much. Thanks!

Signed,

Worried About Roblox

Dear Worried About Roblox, 

I’m glad you asked! Roblox is the most popular video game in the U.S. for children 5 –12, and it seems like it’s everywhere these days. But despite its wild popularity, it can still be a little hard to understand what exactly kids are doing while they’re playing it — don’t feel bad! And even though lots of kids play it, Roblox definitely has its fair share of dangers. Many adults play the game as well, which can sometimes introduce inappropriate activity, unfortunately. Let’s start with exactly what playing Roblox means. 

How Roblox Works

Roblox isn’t just one game like Mario or Tetris — it’s a platform that hosts literally millions of games. Roblox users create and publish these games, and they all take place in the Roblox world and are designed in the Roblox animation style, which resembles the chunky characters you’ll recognize from Lego or Minecraft.

Games in Roblox are 3-D, open-world experiences, which means that you can go anywhere, in any direction, at any time you like. (Contrast this to the old-school video games like Super Mario Bros, which only allowed you to move in one direction — always scrolling right.)

When it comes to deciding what kind of game you want to play, the sky’s the limit! Many of the games on Roblox are free or cheaper versions of other popular video games, like Fortnite and Animal Crossing. You can often find games with characters and settings from pop culture — worlds kids like to spend time in.

Why Do Kids Love Roblox?

Not only can you play and explore in a fun open world, you can build your own game with Roblox Studio. Kids can get super creative and dream up any location they can imagine  — from Ancient Greece to the Marvel Cinematic Universe — and make it come to life. Bonus: When they’re building out these worlds, they’re learning the basics of coding!

Plus, on Roblox, there’s never a shortage of brand-new and exciting games to play, and they often come out faster than traditional game studios can publish. There are also so many different ways to play games on Roblox, including on iOS, Android, Mac, PC, tablets, and gaming consoles like Xbox and Oculus Rift.

Roblox Dangers: It’s Not All Fun and Games 

Condo games

Roblox isn’t just fun action and adventure games. There’s a whole subculture of users who make “games” that revolve around sex referred to as condo games. You’ll see naked avatars (the images of players) interacting in sexually suggestive ways. In other words, it’s basically interactive pornography, and it’s definitely not for children. 

Roblox Discord servers 

In addition to actually playing Roblox, many fans will also want to talk about it with others — and they often head to chat app Discord for that. If you search Google for “Roblox Discord servers” you’ll find links to countless groups to join. This presents a huge risk for kids, as any time there’s a huge public chat room, there’s a near certainty that online predators will be lurking in it. On top of that, many folks use these groups to share links to inappropriate content — both on Roblox and elsewhere. 

Inappropriate Roblox YouTube videos

If you think Roblox isn’t right for your kid and end up blocking it — beware. Even if you can’t play the game, you can watch tons of videos of Roblox on YouTube and other video streaming apps like Twitch. And yep, you guessed it: You can also watch videos of the condo games we mentioned earlier. 

Bypassed audio clips that definitely aren’t appropriate

Roblox allows users to upload audio files, but there are rules governing them. You can’t use copyrighted content, and you can’t upload sounds that would violate community guidelines. When audio somehow gets past moderation, it’s referred to as “bypassed audio” since it bypassed the rules. These clips could include profanity, violence, sex sounds, and even screeching chaotic noise. 

Scams

Robux, the in-game currency players use to buy upgrades and avatar accessories, can be obtained in a few different ways. You can buy Robux with real money, earn them through Roblox Premium, or receive them through designing games. Make sure your child knows to ignore players who are offering free Robux — they’re phishing scams.

How to Help Protect Your Child When They Play Roblox

When it comes to parental controls and dedication to helping protect younger players, Roblox really walks the walk. Here are just a few of the ways the company safeguards kids. (Check out our step-by-step Roblox tech guide to learn all the ways you can use their parental controls.)

Chat filters

Roblox automatically filters all chats to help prevent inappropriate content and personally identifiable information from being displayed. They even employ human moderators to help review content that gets flagged by the filter’s AI. Things may slip through the cracks occasionally — no filter is perfect — but it’s definitely a good effort. 

Parent PINs

This really sets Roblox apart from other games and social media platforms. When you set parental controls, you can lock them in place with a PIN code. Most apps, like TikTok for example, will allow you to toggle on safety settings, but they can be turned off by the child at any time. You know what that means — it’s essentially useless.

Privacy

From the settings menu, you can select who can chat and message with your child, along with who can invite them to join them in private servers. 

Restricted mode

The account restrictions feature makes it so that absolutely no one can send your child messages or chat with them. These restrictions also limit the games kids can play to a pre-approved, age-appropriate list.

Need More Help?

As you can tell, there’s *a lot* to learn about Roblox, but if you think your kid is ready to take the plunge, I recommend sitting down with them and playing together the first few times. This way, you can see for yourself what your kid will experience, and it’s also a good way to bond over an activity they’re excited about. 

Bark actually monitors Roblox! On Android devices and the Bark Phone, Bark can scan content searches and sent chats. By monitoring sent chats, you can stay informed about who your child is communicating with and the nature of their conversations. Detecting potentially harmful content searches can help you identify any inappropriate searches, empowering you to address issues proactively.

In addition to monitoring, Bark also lets you block Roblox entirely or choose when your child can use it throughout the day with our screen time scheduling. Visit bark.us/signup to start your free trial today!

Dear Titania,

My daughter recently told me that she’s been using ChatGPT to write her English essays. I told her I don’t think that’s a good idea, and she replied that it’s not cheating because at least she’s not plagiarizing. I don’t know much about ChatGPT but this doesn’t seem right. Can you give me a primer on this platform as well as some talking points for having a productive conversation with her about it? Thanks!

Signed,

Anxious About AI

Dear Anxious About AI,

The future is now, and it’s a wild ride! ChatGPT is just the latest in what seems like a never-ending series of mind-blowing tech developments. Artificial intelligence (AI) has become extremely commonplace — think about the chatbots you encounter on homepages where you ask questions, those impressive photo filters on Instagram, and even auto-correct on your iPhone!

But as a parent, when technology starts to affect the way your child is learning and behaving in school, I’m sure your parenting spider-sense is starting to tingle, and rightfully so!

What Exactly Is ChatGPT?

ChatGPT is a website where users can ask questions and get answers from an incredibly sophisticated chatbot. The company behind ChatGPT is called OpenAI, and it works with all sorts of artificial intelligence. You may also have heard of OpenAI’s DALL-E, which takes user prompts and generates graphic designs in a matter of seconds. They’re all over social media right now.

ChatGPT: How It Works

The tech behind ChatGPT is super complex, but it’s worth explaining a little about how it works. 

ChatGPT uses pattern recognition and access to unimaginable amounts of information to make decisions. Human brains do this, too, but not at the speed or volume that machines are capable of.

Let’s break down a simple example. Suppose I asked you and ChatGPT to finish this sentence: “The ice cream was ____.” 

Your first guess would probably be along the lines of “delicious”, “creamy”, or “cold.” ChatGPT knows this too, based on all of the human data it's been fed — information from books, websites, articles, and more. It won’t answer “smelly”, “warm”, or “ugly”, just like you wouldn’t. 

This was just a simple example, too. ChatGPT can use the same principles to answer incredibly complicated questions that take much longer to explain. But this is where it gets tricky, and where the chatbot’s limitations come into focus. We’ll get more into these issues later.

How Kids Might Use ChatGPT for School

Here are just a few examples of questions kids might ask ChatGPT:

• “Write me a 500-word essay on the theme of power in Macbeth.”
• “Solve for x: 3x + 25 = 10x”
• “Compare and contrast the French and American revolutions.”
• “What are the themes of To Kill a Mockingbird?”
• “How do I make an image tag in HTML?”
• “If train A is moving at 50 m.p.h. toward a train B that is moving at 45 m.p.h. and they start 100 miles away from each other, when will they meet?

ChatGPT can not only give correct answers to these questions, but it can also explain its reasoning in the cases of math problems — it shows its work, in other words. This makes it tricky. In the past, if you copied the answers from the back of the book, your teacher would know because you wouldn’t be able to show your steps. Not so with ChatGPT. 

The Issues with AI Assistance

Can ChatGPT generate remarkably human-sounding words? Absolutely. Is it perfect? Definitely not. Here are a few of the issues it has:

It can be plain wrong

Human experiences and information don’t always conform to logic, and ChatGPT can run into problems because of this — it’s also limited to data before 2021. But because it so confidently and quickly spits out answers, kids may believe they’re always 100% true. 

It can reflect human biases

ChatGPT only uses information that humans created, and it can mirror prejudices that exist in the data it’s fed with. This can include harmful positions about marginalized groups.

It will never be as creative as a real person

While ChatGPT is truly remarkable and probably the closest we’ve come to human-sounding answers in text form, it’s always…just missing something. The more you play around with it, the more you can start to see its patterns. (Hopefully, teachers will, too!)

A Tool, Not a Lifeline

At the end of the day, technology is a tool that can make our lives easier, but it’s just that — a tool, not a lifeline. Even though graphing calculators are used every day in advanced math, kids still learn how to count, add, subtract, multiply, and divide in elementary school. Once those are mastered — remember times table tests? — then calculators can be used. The same goes with ChatGPT. It can help you brainstorm, give you lots of options, and even provide a starting point for research. But it shouldn’t replace the work teachers assign to kids. 

Some Conversation Starters

I recommend pulling up ChatGPT (you can create a free account) and sitting down with your kid to explore it together. Here are few ways to get a conversation started:

• Type in a query that has something to do with preference or personal taste, like “What is the best flavor of ice cream.” ChatGPT will return an answer that says it’s an AI model, and as such, can’t have a favorite. It will then spit out some of the most popular flavors.
  • Ask your kid “Why do you think this answer is so generic?” and “Why can humans give better answers when it comes to things they love?”
• Give ChatGPT a relatively complicated question, like “Why did Britain lose the Revolutionary War?” The answer it gives will be a tight, well-structured, five-point analysis. It’s entirely correct — but it doesn’t sound like a 14-year-old wrote it.
  • Ask your child “Why would a teacher think that a kid didn’t write this? Can you point to any specific parts?” Remind them that their teacher knows their performance as a student  — as well as their specific style, quotes, and even usual errors. 
• When you’re done asking ChatGPT questions together, ask your kid if they know how it works. This can be enlightening, because many children may understand that it gives passable responses, but not how it reaches its conclusion.
  • Ask “How do you think ChatGPT comes up with all these answers? How can you tell if it’s giving you a correct answer?”

I hope this helps you make a little more sense of this new technology! We live in exciting (and overwhelming) times, and like with everything when it comes to raising kids, talking it out together will always help. Good luck!

Dear Bark,

I want to encourage my kids and their friends to have screen-free time while hanging out at our house. We put them in baskets when kids walk in the door. What’s the best way to communicate this to new visitors and enforce this in our home? How should we handle when friends’ parents want to be able to text and communicate with their children, and vice versa?  

Signed,

No Phones During Visits

Dear No Phones During Visits, 

This is a great idea! Creating a tech-free environment can be an awesome way to ensure kids are engaging with each other instead of staying glued to screens. 

There are lots of reasons parents like you might decide to do this. For one, kids won’t be tempted to do anything inappropriate online. They could accidentally watch something they shouldn’t or end up messaging strangers. Besides that, phones can keep kids from connecting with each other, which sort of defeats the purpose of the visit. So keeping a device-free visit is a totally understandable route.  

But it gets tricky when it comes to other families, especially those with differing opinions. Here are some tips to help you navigate this with the parents! 

The Golden Rule: Communication

First things first, you’ll want to clearly communicate this so that no one is caught by surprise. And the sooner the better — we’re talking before they even get in the car to drive to your house, they should know your home is device-free. 

But you don’t have to be super serious or formal about it. Just a simple text, email or face-to-face chat to let them know your expectations. Here’s a quick example:

“Hey! Just wanted to give a heads up — we are trying something a little different in an effort to keep our home distraction-free and to avoid any potential issues from kids being online. We’re asking all kids to put their phones in a basket that will be kept in the kitchen while they visit. Of course, they can get their phone at any point if they really need to reach you, and here’s my number so you can reach them quickly.”

Brace for Impact 

Be prepared that other families might not be comfortable with your rules and may even call off the visit. And it could be for good reason — some children may have medical needs, anxiety, previous traumatic experiences, or perhaps the parents just feel more comfortable with their child being able to freely communicate with them at any given moment.

Every family is different, and that’s okay. But that’s why communication with the parents is important. Some families, however, may think it’s a great idea and do something similar in their own homes. You could be a trendsetter!

Consider a Compromise

It’s also worth mentioning that the childhoods of today look much different than they did years ago. While devices have the potential to create unhealthy environments, it’s not always the case. 

Nowadays, devices are often a primary way that kids connect with one another. For instance, by playing online games while sitting right next to each other, or by creating silly dance videos together.

With this in mind, you may consider meeting them halfway by setting an allotted “tech time” in a family room — with clearly stated rules, of course, regarding what they can do and for how long. 

Whatever you decide, the two main things are: 

1. Clear communication with the families that come over.
2. Ensuring the parent/child have ways to reach each other when needed.

Another compromise could be that a child could keep their phone in their pocket or the bookbag — though if the kids are out of sight, they may find themselves grabbing it for a little fun. This could happen especially if there’s only one kid with a device still accessible. 

Wishing you a safe and enjoyable hosting experience! 

Dear Titania, 

I'm feeling so frustrated and defeated! We recently moved to a new city away from warm weather, friends, and lots of outdoor activities. My two tweens get bored when I encourage them to play in the yard and most entertainment here consists of me driving them places and spending money. I’ve noticed my kids stay inside more and spend way too much time on screens. I feel like their childhood is being robbed. They often play and chat through Roblox, and my kids claim this is the only way they can stay in touch with their long-distance friends. I’ve tried to set screen time rules but it never seems to work. Please help me regain balance in our family time. 

Signed,

Stressed by Screens

Dear Stressed by Screens, 

Oh boy, this one’s tough. Moving is never easy for anyone in the family — especially when it takes longer than expected to settle in. Also, screens are becoming an inevitable part of our daily lives. But this doesn’t mean it’s impossible to reduce screen time! So give yourself grace. We see you, and we see that you just want better for your family, too. Let’s take a look at some ideas you can try with your kiddos.

Put Yourself Out There!

It sounds like your kids need to make some connections with the new community. If they haven’t made new friends yet, then it’s understandable why they are holding on to their familiar long-distance relationships. Try scheduling time as a family each week to explore your community together and find ways that your kids could meet some peers. 

Just thinking of a few, you could try…

• Local play groups (check social media for neighborhood groups to join)
• Events at your local library
• Sports teams — both to play and to watch
• Science museums
• Youth groups
• An affordable family gym membership
• Religious organizations
• After-school activities
• Art or drama clubs
• Volunteer opportunities

A lot of times, making friends and building relationships is a slow process and requires stepping out of your comfort zone. Your kids may object to trying something new but hey — everyone in the family is trying something new to adapt to the new place. So if you’re in it together, hopefully, that makes it a little easier.

A Nudge in the Right Direction

As far as screen time at home, that’s also going to be a team effort. Many families have found it helpful to create clear expectations and boundaries for everyone to follow. Oftentimes, kids follow by example rather than taking explicit direction, so be sure you take an active role in managing your own screen time as well. And writing down the new screen-time expectations can be very helpful. If you all sit down and come up with a list of rules, you can hang it up somewhere in the house that’s visible to everyone. That way, you have something physical to reference when you start to hear, “But Mom, five more minutes!”

Here are some tech boundaries to test-run in your home:

• Scheduling tech-free hours or tech-free weekend days. 
• Weekly board game nights where kids take turns choosing the game and snacks for each week.
• Setting an allotted time for them to be online to talk to their long-distance friends.
• Playing some of their online games with them, as another way to bond with them.
• Making tech time family time with a movie night, trivia on the smart TV, or a Mario Kart tournament.

And some alternative activities during tech-free time:

• Going for a walk or a bike ride together
• Cooking or baking new recipes
• Reading actual books or magazines (old-school ones are super fun)
• Choose a new hobby for them to learn (like painting, juggling, yoga, crocheting, etc.)

A Final Thought

Remember that our kids are growing up in a much different world than what we once grew up in. Much the same as we stretched the 10-foot telephone cord down the hall and spent endless hours talking to our friends, your kids are likely doing the same — except these days the chatting is done online instead of on a telephone. They still crave connection and socialization, but it just looks different nowadays. And remember, our parents were concerned about too much TV time. Now we are, too — there just happens to be way more screens than one big one in the living room.

Balance and consistency are key! It may take some trial and error, but once you know the rules that work for your family, you’ll want to stick to your guns! Your family is finding their new normal, which is really daunting — but also an exciting adventure! Best wishes in your new transition!

Dear Titania, 

My teen continuously sneaks out in the middle of the night and purposefully turns off location sharing on her phone so that we can’t track her location. Is there a way to disable this so that she can’t turn it off? 

Signed, 

Mom of the Night Watch

Dear Mom of the Night Watch, 

So you have an explorer on your hands! You’re 100% not alone, as many parents have fought the same battle for generations — though our parents definitely didn’t have to worry about a digital device being deactivated. Let’s get into it!

The Real Issue 

Depending on what location tracking tool you use — Apple Screen Time, Google Maps, or another app — resourceful kids may find ways to disable it. In addition to scouring the internet for complicated digital hacks, they could always simply just power it off or toggle it into airplane mode. 

Or, like their Gen X ancestors, they could opt for no phone and just leave it at home, where it can safely report its location as just a few feet from you. When it comes to giving parents the shake, a truly committed teen will stop at nothing. The real issue, then, comes down to why they feel they need to keep doing this, and how you can express your concerns. 

To Surveil or Not to Surveil

Some parents I’ve talked to have added digital home security alarms or external cameras to find out when their kids come and go. You certainly wouldn’t be the first family to try this, and even if it seems a little drastic, some parents find it’s worth a shot. Still others find this to be an invasion of privacy, and it won’t, after all, necessarily stop your child from leaving — you’ll just know when it happens.

Starting the Conversation

At the end of the day, many veteran parents will tell you that there’s no stopping a strong-willed teen! So let’s talk about an offensive strategy: have an open discussion with your teen about your concerns. This might seem a little underwhelming compared to iron-clad location settings and home security systems, but its impact will be far more reaching. 

Start by asking them why they are sneaking out and where they are going. For this conversation, tell them they won’t get in trouble so they feel safe telling the truth. Once you hear them out, try to come up with a solution together. Maybe you’ll consider a compromise, possibly by extending their curfew or inviting their friends over for an evening. 

Teens Can Feel Invincible

This is easier said than done, but you can try expressing your worries (without getting too lecture-y) for their safety and well-being. If they got hurt or even kidnapped while they were out, how would you locate them or even know they were gone in the first place if they snuck out?

The biggest obstacle is going to be your teen’s sense of invincibility. They aren’t going to realize half the dangers you’re worried about and the ones they do think about, they’ll say, “Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening to me?” But it may help to share real-life events and news stories as teaching examples. Not to scare them, but just to warn them that these things are not completely impossible. 

The last thing to do is make sure the rules and expectations are made clear by the end of the discussion. Whatever compromises you made or rules you changed, make sure the new (or same) boundaries are understood, as well as the consequences for breaking them. And you’ll want to be consistent in your follow-through with them. 

Keep Talking — and Talk Some More

Remember that it’s normal behavior for teens to push boundaries and assert their independence during these years. The most important thing you can do is to continue having open discussions and chats about safety. Let your teen know that you love them — full stop. At the end of the day, your end goal as a parent is just their safety. In 10 years, they’ll understand what you were trying to do — I promise.

Dear Titania,
I’ve just discovered that my high school freshman son has been sending sexual messages to his new girlfriend; they’ve only been together for less than a week at this point. We were alerted to these messages from our monitoring service (Bark). I am frustrated, desperate for help, and unsure of what to do next! We’ve even tried giving him a flip phone in the past, however, he really needs a smartphone for school apps and websites that they use daily. What else can we do? 

Signed,
Son Is Sexting

Dear Son is Sexting,
Thanks for your question! This isn’t an easy one, so the frustration is understandable. But to start, you need to know you’re definitely not alone. Lots of parents have gotten the same alert from Bark and asked the same question: What do I do now?

Time for the Talk

As parents, it can be distressing to discover our teens taking part in anything remotely sexual. They’ll always just be little kids in our eyes so it’s hard to view them as soon to be adults who will hopefully pursue healthy, sexual relationships in the future. But our job as parents isn’t to prohibit them from growing or exploring, but instead to guide them to ensure they go about it safely and responsibly. Their hormones are going to kick in whether we like it or not, so best to face it head-on rather than try to avoid it. 

Obviously, the main thing you’ll need to do is talk to your son. I know — this is easier said than done. Our parents only had to give us the birds-and-the-bees talk. We have to do that and talk about how it intersects with digital technology. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you discuss with your son what’s happened.

Try to approach the conversation as an opportunity to teach. 

It’s important to not shame him or make this an end-of-the-world situation. Remember, sexual desires at his age are completely normal. Start the conversation off by reminding him of that, then approach your concerns gently and informatively. 

Discuss what is (and isn’t!) appropriate to share with his girlfriend, especially in digital form

Go over sexting specifically and all of the repercussions that can come with it. Once things are shared online, they linger forever and could potentially come back to harm him later on. And many states have laws regarding sexting that could get your son into trouble. Even if the sexting occurred between two minors, some states could still prosecute. 

Talk about sexual consent

Tell your son that it’s important to respect his girlfriend — as well as everyone — when it comes to any sexual engagement. On the flip side, make sure he knows he shouldn’t ever feel obligated to take part in things that make him uncomfortable. Sexting in particular is a huge pressure that lots of teens face today. Some believe they will be judged or lose their relationship if they don’t do it. And for those that choose not to engage in sexting, many think they’ll be judged for this, as well. This is a good opportunity to ask your son why he decided to send these messages, which will help you as his parent better understand the situation. 

Taking away his phone may not be the best solution 

Many teens will simply sneak it or find alternate ways to continue this type of messaging. At the end of the day, taking the phone away won’t solve the problem — especially because he’ll be using a phone for the rest of his life. Part of our job as parents is to teach our kids how to uge technology responsibly. Continue to have open discussions and model healthy behavior. 

Continuing to monitor with an app like Bark can help you know when and if it’s still happening. You could also set screen time limits on texting and social media apps to help limit access to sending photos, especially at night. The Bark Phone gives you even more controls and lets you disable the camera whenever you need to — including screenshots. 

Some Parting Parental Wisdom

If we leave you with nothing else, we hope you take this to heart: Don’t beat yourself up over your teen’s actions. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. We can’t control when our teens will decide to sexually explore, but we can try to prepare for it and be ready for some hard conversations. Good luck!

Have a Question for Titania?

Titania Jordan, Bark's chief parent officer, is answering your questions about parenting in a tech world — from how to talk about Snapchat to what screen time controls work the best. Fill out this form and your question could be featured in an upcoming blog post!